Full Circle
by Lovely Little Muse
Summary: AU-Human. Life's not always a fairytale. After years apart, Bella and Edward are brought together again when tragedy strikes. They've lost love once. Can they find it again? Can Bella and Edward come Full Circle? Eventual B/E.
1. As Lovers Go

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N:** Here we go… Check out the songs below for an enhanced "Full Circle" experience! This story is rated M for language and sexual material.

**Listen to: **_As Lovers Go by Dashboard Confessional; Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna; But I Do Love You by LeAnn Rimes _

Edward Cullen  
October 16, 2002

It was just another Wednesday when I woke up and got myself ready for what I thought would be an ordinary day. By the time I got home from school, it was _the_ Wednesday. The famous, or infamous, Wednesday that changed my life. Or so I was convinced.

When I arrived at school that day, the whole place was abuzz with the current gossip: the new girl. Because my sister is a know-it-all, I had already heard all the facts. Name: Isabella Swan, son of Charlie Swan, Forks Chief of Police. She'd just relocated from Phoenix after her mother remarried. In my first 3 classes I had managed to pick up bits and pieces of conversations, and all of them revolved around this newest addition to Forks High School.

By the time lunch period rolled around, I was pretty sure I knew everything I cared to know about Isabella Swan, including the fact that she preferred the name Bella and that she was the new love interest of at least 3 of my peers. I found all of this utterly uninteresting, and was prepared to continue living my life exactly as I had the day before.

But then I ran into Bella Swan. Literally.

My papers spilled out of my notebook and cascaded onto the cafeteria floor while her shirt ended up covered in marinara sauce. She started apologizing without even looking up at me. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." She knelt on the floor and began scooping up my lost papers, but at that moment I could have cared less about them. Now I knew why this girl had captured the attention of every male within a 2-block radius.

I grinned and knelt down to help her gather my papers. "No problem, don't worry about it." I stuffed my papers back into my notebook and extended my hand to her. "Nice to meet you, Bella. I'm Edward."

She finally looked up and met my eyes, which caused an adorable blush to spread across her cheeks. She stared at me for a moment, and I just grinned wider.

"How did you know my name?"

"You're new here, right? Everyone's talking about you. You're the most exciting thing that's happened to Forks in almost two years."

Her blush grew darker as I gave her my hand to help her up. Before I had a chance to offer her a new lunch, my sister rushed over. "Edward, what did you do?" she shrieked, taking in Bella's ruined shirt. She didn't wait for an answer before turning to Bella. "You'll have to excuse my brother, he doesn't get out much, I hope he didn't scare you away. I'm Alice."

I sensed that I was dismissed, so I spent the rest of my lunch period reflecting on my new acquaintance while Alice fetched her a new shirt from my car. Yes, sadly, my car held enough of Alice's "spare" clothes to function as a closet.

"Burn!" Emmett laughed as I set my tray down at our usual table. "Looks like our sister killed your game."

Fortunately, this gave me time to formulate a plan to capture the affections of one Bella Swan. Another fortunate turn of events gave me the chance to put my plan into action during Biology.

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Edward Cullen  
May 17, 2004

Bella ran towards me across the lawn and I grabbed her in a hug and swung her around before setting her back on her feet, laughing. "Congratulations, Bella," I whispered into her hair.

I was rewarded with a radiant smile as she looked up at me. "And congratulations to you." I kissed her briefly, but was interrupted by Alice who came running up behind her.

"Edward, stop hogging my best friend!" If I didn't love her so much, I would kill Alice. "We have so much to do before the party!" Her voice reached the high pitch that hurt my ears, and she was bouncing in place. Bella pulled away from my embrace, but kept her hold on my hand.

"Guys, about this party…" Bella began apprehensively. "It's nothing too outrageous, is it?"

"Bella, it's our graduation, you can't expect too much of Alice's self-control."

Alice grinned, and then grabbed my girlfriend's wrist and pulled her away.

Six hours later, I was pacing around my room impatiently. Alice had stolen Bella away hours ago and I hadn't been allowed to see her since. When I heard the front door open, I ran down the stairs and entered what used to be my living room.

Emmett and I had arrived home after the graduation ceremony to find our parents sitting in the middle of a forest of boxes and equipment, holding a set of very specific instructions from Alice. Then we'd spent the next five and a half hours turning our house into a nightclub.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I was instantly glad we hadn't yet turned off the overhead lights, because there was no way I would want to be deprived of this sight.

Bella smiled shyly and looked up at me through her eyelashes. She was always beautiful, but right now she looked downright… wicked. Sexy. Amazing. I allowed myself a self-indulgent moment of drinking in her appearance. I started with her legs, looking miles longer thanks to a pair of high-heeled knee-high boots. As my eyes finally reached the hemline of her skirt my heart skipped a beat when I registered how high it was. Continuing my thorough examination, I felt a definite stirring in my loins at the mere sight of her midnight blue blouse. That color held a special meaning for the two of us, and as my eyes met hers, I could see that Bella's mind was right on course with mine.

She cleared her throat and I came out of my reverie and closed my jaw with a snap.

Emmett chose that moment to come bounding down the stairs, and stopped in his tracks. He whistled. "Damn, Bella!"

In one fluid motion I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me, growling and glaring at my brother. He laughed. "I was just sayin!" he shouted over his shoulder on his way to the kitchen. Alice trailed after him issuing a string of threats should he not change into the party clothes she'd lain out. She turned off the overhead lights on her way, leaving us with only the low-lighting that Emmett and I had set up earlier.

"Is it too much?" Bella asked quietly. My only response was to sweep her into a scorching kiss. My lips pulled at hers urgently, demanding she yield to me, which she did all too willingly. This kiss was about claiming and she made it clear she was happy to be possessed. When I released her, breathless, she smiled. "You never answered me."

I gripped her by her shoulders and moved us up against the wall. Gently this time, my tongue traced her lips before she parted them and granted me entrance. My hands moved from her shoulders to her hips and I melded our bodies together, leaving her no doubts of the effect she was having on me. Her fingers tightened on my arms and she gasped.

I pulled away from her mouth and moved my lips to her ear. "Is that enough of an answer for you?" I whispered. I bit gently on her earlobe before pulling away to look into her darkened eyes.

"Get a room!" Emmett yelled as he passed us on his way upstairs.

Even in the dark I could see Bella blush. "Later," I promised.

Guests began arriving in droves. Alice invited the entire senior class of Forks High School, and I'm pretty sure half the junior class showed up as well. The house was pounding with music and strobe lights provided brief glimpses of the dance floor Alice had created.

Emmett was in his element, surrounded by girls who had been pandering for his attention for the past three years. He wasn't known for having a very long attention span with the ladies, but none of them seemed to care as long as he would give them the time of day. Alice was flitting from group to group, making sure everyone was having a good time. She danced through the crowd fluidly without losing the beat, despite the fact that I couldn't seem to move without bumping into another body.

I kept my hands on Bella's hips to keep her steady on her heels and to keep her pressed against me. We were surrounded by bodies, but in our own world.

Being in such close proximity with my unbelievable-looking girlfriend was taking its toll, and I highly suspected that at least some of Bella's 'accidental' brushes against me were not accidental at all. Her hands on my chest slowly trailed their way down my stomach and came to rest at my belt buckle. I growled impatiently in her ear, and she laughed. By about 12:30 am people began trickling out, and I took advantage of the distraction to pull Bella up the stairs.

As soon as the bedroom door closed, I ravished her. I pushed her back against the door and held her in place with my hips while my mouth and hands roamed freely. "God, Bella, you're amazing," I mumbled against her neck. My fingers tangled themselves in her hair as I pulled her in for a kiss.

I traced my hands down her shoulders and skimmed her hips before sliding up and under her skirt. "Mmm," I hummed appreciatively as my fingertips caressed the edges of lace. She started slowly unbuttoning my shirt while smiling up at me demurely, planting small chaste kisses on my chest each time she revealed a new sliver of skin. What I'd meant to be a growl of impatience ended up sounding more like a moan of pleasure.

When she reached the last button, her tongue shot out and dipped below the waistband of my jeans and I shuddered, my stomach muscles contracting involuntarily. She used my belt loops to pull herself to her feet and simultaneously pull my hips against hers. I captured her mouth with mine and ground my erection into her.

I wasted no time in helping her out of her shirt, and raised an eyebrow at her as it fell to the floor. "That's new," I remarked, referring to her black lace bra which left little to the imagination.

"Mhm," she purred. My hands roamed the familiar curves of her body. "Do you like it?"

Words were not needed to express my approval as she unbuttoned my jeans and they joined our pile of clothes on the floor. She kissed a line down my jawbone as she gripped me firmly through my boxers, and I gasped.

I fumbled with the clasp on her skirt before she reached to help. "Will you help me with the boots?" Hearing her voice low and breathless only increased my arousal.

"Leave them on." I picked her up and let her skirt fall to the floor before setting her on the edge of my bed and kneeling between her legs. I placed small, chaste kisses across her skin, occasionally allowing my tongue to dart out and relishing the soft gasp or impatient squirm I could elicit. I kissed my way from the top of her boot along the inside of her thigh until I reached lace, then kissed my way down the other side before she gripped my hair and pulled me back up to her mouth.

"Please, Edward…" she breathed.

The sound of her pleading was the last straw and I couldn't wait anymore. I rid us of our last remaining articles of clothing and quickly slid into her familiar warmth. She clutched at my shoulders and wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me deeper as she moaned appreciatively at the new angle. I started a slow, steady rhythm while her hips rose to meet me.

"Faster," she begged, tightening herself around me as I ground my teeth.

"God Bella," I moaned, stilling her hips with my hands. "Don't do that, I'm gonna lose it."

I let go of her and she continued to move her hips under me to a steady rhythm, until I could feel the heels of her boots digging into my back. She tightened and cried out my name, and only then did I give myself over to the pressure. I gave one last thrust as Bella continued to writhe in pleasure beneath me, and found my own release.

When we had both managed to catch our breath and slow our heartbeats, I disentangled myself and collapsed beside her.

She snuggled in against my side. I felt the corners of her mouth turn up in a smile. "Happy graduation," she whispered. " I love you."

"I love you too."

Bella Swan  
September 3, 2012 

Drifting somewhere between sleep and consciousness, I took a deep breath and inhaled my favorite familiar scent. My mouth twitched into a smile as I became more alert, keeping my eyes closed. How about a special wake-up call?

With my eyes still closed, I blindly reached behind me to find what I was looking for, but my hand gripped nothing but a pile of sheets and blankets. I sighed.

Wait, a blanket? We'd been sleeping without a blanket for months. He must have gotten one out sometime in the middle of the night, or maybe just for me when he got up. I guess that means that our summer was officially coming to a close.

Slowly becoming more aware, I noticed the sound of water running in the shower. I pushed the covers off and slid my feet to the ground, and the hardwood was indeed a bit chilly. I tiptoed my way to the bathroom and quietly pushed the door open.

Once the steam dissipated, I was able to make out the form of my sexy husband. He was lathering his hair, and I watched the soapy suds make a trail over his collarbone, down his well-muscled chest, down his six-pack abs, and down to… aha! My eyes met their goal. What's a little voyeurism between friends?

I couldn't help but notice that he was ready for me, and I suddenly found myself opening the shower door and stepping in, having already discarded my panties and shirt at some point along the way.

"Good morning."

He wiped the water from his eyes and turned to me with a smile. "Well hello there. What are you doing up?"

"You're up," I countered, then glanced down pointedly.

He laughed and started to say something else, but I interrupted him with a kiss. I had a one-track mind this morning, and wouldn't be deterred.

I reached my hands up to entwine them in his hair while pressing my body up against his, and he responded eagerly.

"Bella," he mumbled against my lips. "You're going to make me late for work."

I inhaled deeply and smiled as he planted kisses down my neck. "They can hold down the fort without you for awhile." I pulled firmly on his hair to guide his head down to my breasts, and that sealed the deal.

One of his hands at the small of my back and the other around my shoulders pulled us closer together. He lay hard and hot against my stomach, and I elicited a moan by rubbing myself against him.

He continued to tease, lick, and nip at my breasts, but I was growing impatient with his foreplay. I was ready, and I wanted him _now_.

Sensing my eagerness, he pushed me up against the wall of the shower. I shivered when my bare skin touched the cool surface, and he switched tactics. His large hands slid down to grip my ass and I took my cue, lifting my legs and locking them around his waist as he flipped us around until he was against the wall.

He moaned my name as I slid myself over him and I gasped, trying to catch my breath for a moment before finding a rhythm. I used his shoulders for leverage as I moved over him, looking down into his eyes.

My blood was hot in my veins and I felt my body tightening in anticipation. I could tell he was getting close by the way his eyes darkened and his fingers dug into my hips as I increased our rhythm, trying to remain steady.

I cried out as my entire body was wracked with spasms, and he followed soon after, moaning my name. I smiled contentedly, leaning my face against his shoulder and inhaling the scent of him.

"Jacob…"

Thirty minutes later, I handed my husband a cup of coffee as he walked into the kitchen. After a year and a half of marriage, I still hadn't gotten tired of thinking of him as _my husband_.

"And just what are you smiling at?" he asked, grinning as he took a seat across the counter and sipped his coffee.

I just shrugged and kept smiling into my coffee cup. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I'd better just take something to go. The guys are gonna have my head on a platter if I'm late again."

"I'll just tell them that it's my fault, because I assaulted you in the shower."

"Yes, please do!" he laughed.

I grabbed an apple from the basket on the counter and tossed it to him. "Naw, they wouldn't believe it anyway," I teased, winking at him.

"Are we still on for lunch at the park today?"

"You bet," I replied, then got a brilliant idea. "Hey, how about we invite the gang over for dinner tonight? There's this new recipe I've been wanting to try."

He grimaced. "Damn, I'm sorry Bells." He walked around the counter to wrap his arms around me. "I completely forgot to tell you that I have to stay late at the garage tonight."

"No big deal, we'll do it some other time." I couldn't help being a little disappointed. I tried to hide it, but Jacob knew me so well that I'm sure it didn't slip his notice.

"How about you invite just the girls over tonight, and then we can get the whole gang together tomorrow? I have the whole day off, so I can help you cook." He grinned, and I laughed.

"Yeah right! You stay away from my kitchen, Jake, I mean it!"

He grinned. "Sure, sure. It's a plan, then? Tomorrow?"

I nodded. "Tomorrow." I stood on my tiptoes for a kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too. See you at lunch."

When Jacob left for work, I made a couple of phone calls to Alice and Rosalie and succeeded in making plans for a girls' night in, and set up dinner for tomorrow night. Once they heard that I'd be trying out a new recipe, I had them hook line and sinker.

It was a relatively slow time of year for my catering business, so there wasn't a whole lot that I had to do for work. My cookbook had just been printed, and all that was left was the marketing campaign before it hit stores in a couple months. My editor had high hopes that my already being an author of two novels would help sell more cookbooks.

The morning flew by while I answered emails and made phone calls to my publisher and to Angela, my business partner. I forgot to pay attention to the time and before I knew it I was running late to meet Jake.

I grabbed the keys to my truck and drove the 10 minutes to the park, which was one of our favorite places to have lunch. I met him by our usual hot dog stand and we ate as we walked and people-watched.

"We're on for tomorrow night with the gang," I told him. "And the girls are coming over to keep me company tonight."

"Sounds great," he grinned. "I'd hate to think of you alone in that great big house all by yourself." It as obvious he was joking, but I suddenly got goosebumps and a chill ran down my spine. I leaned in a little closer to Jacob and shook the feeling off. I was being ridiculous.

He stood and threw away our trash and kissed me before we went our separate ways.

**A/N**: I'm trying something a little different with this story. One important thing to mention is that you should pay attention to the dates that will be at the top of each section. Let me know what you think so far, and if you're confused, have no fear, you'll get your answers. And then more questions. Bear with me!

Additionally, I'll be posting a **Listen To** tag at the beginning of each chapter. These are the songs that are on my "Full Circle" playlist, and I highly recommend you check them out before/after/while you read the chapter.


	2. An Evening Interrupted

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N: **I apologize for this chapter being so short. It was originally going to be included in Chapter 1.

**Listen To: **_Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em_. Haha.

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I can't remember ever feeling this way before. She has entranced me, mind, body, and soul. I find myself fabricating reasons to be around her. I take advantage of any excuse to be in Bella's presence.

I love the way she blushes when she's nervous, or embarrassed. I love the way she smiles and looks up through her eyelashes. I love the way she plays with her hair when she's bored. I love that she doesn't seem to know how beautiful she is.

I'm completely, irrevocably in love with Bella. Now all I need is a plan to make her mine.

Bella Swan  
September 3, 2012

In preparation for my night with the girls, I went to the grocery store to pick up the essentials. One basket full of goodies later, and it was off to the liquor store. Only after I was fully stocked with good food and good wine did I head home to get the house ready.

I plugged my iPod into the surround sound speakers and set it to a hip-hop playlist to get my clean on. It had been awhile since the house had been well-cleaned, and since I had all afternoon, I figured I would tackle the project.

My first order of business was to clean the kitchen. I even went so far as to empty out the fridge and wipe down the inside. I got tired halfway through this process and sat down on the floor in the middle of all of my food to eat an apple, then continued on my way.

When the kitchen was finished, I moved on to the dining room and living room. The music was blasting and I was having a grand old time singing and dancing along to the songs, which is why I didn't hear Alice knock on the door. I also didn't hear her use her emergency key to let herself in, and suddenly she was standing in the doorway watching me butcher the Soulja Boy dance, which had been a favorite in college.

"Come on Bella, I know you can dance better than that."

I let out a little scream and turned to face her, finger ready on the trigger of my bottle of glass cleaner. "Damn, Alice! Give a girl some warning the next time you break into my house!"

"What were you going to do, spritz me to death?" She was sporting an armful of bags, and she walked over to set them on the dining room table while I turned down the volume on the speakers.

"Geez, what did you bring? I told you I was taking care of the food."

"Yes, but clearly you're going to need my help in other areas." She raised her eyebrows at me and pointedly looked me up and down, taking in my outfit of worn jeans and Jacob's old t-shirt. A makeover. Fantastic.

I quickly finished cleaning, taking only a short break to dance the Cupid Shuffle with Alice. As soon as I was done, she dragged me into the bedroom.

"Why exactly do I have to get dressed up just to stay home and watch movies with you and Rose?"

Alice sighed in exasperation and got to work. Apparently she wasn't going to justify my question with an answer.

By 7:00 I was gussied up and ready to hit the town, even though we were staying in. Alice had poked and prodded at me for an hour, and the result was a sexier, less comfortable Bella.

For this evening's festivities, which were to include eating, drinking, and watching romantic comedies, Alice had chosen a silky black top and tight dark-wash jeans complete with beautiful yet impractical strappy sandals.

When the doorbell rang at 7:15 sharp, I teetered on my heels to answer it My hug for Rosalie was partly because I hadn't seen her in a week, and partly because I stumbled and needed to catch myself.

"Hi Rose! How are Emmett and Emily Emmett?"

I laughed at the quick roll of her eyes. It had been three years, she still hadn't forgiven her husband for the naming of their daughter. Personally, I thought it was kind of cute, and took every opportunity to call my goddaughter by her full name.

"They're great. Emmett has the night off, so they're both at home."

Alice came running up behind me and began bouncing up and down, which she only did when she was excited. "We haven't had a girls-only night in forever! Lets get started, you guys! What are we having for dinner, Bella? What are we watching? Did you get the good wine?"

I laughed and I followed her as she dragged me into the kitchen by my arm. Alice had always confounded me. Where did she store all that energy in her tiny body?

I passed out plates of my chicken piccata and filled our wine glasses. "Oh, no wine for me tonight," Rose said. "I'm still recovering from a night out with Emmett."

We got settled in the living room to watch You've Got Mail, which is one of my all-time favorite chick flicks. When the end-credits rolled, Alice began making a list of comparisons between Jasper and Joe Fox.

"Jasper would never be able to keep a secret like that from me," she insisted. "I don't see how Meg Ryan didn't know it was him! I definitely would have known."

I laughed at her, but a little piece of me thought that she was probably right. It was extremely difficult to keep a secret from Alice.

"Emmett wouldn't dare lie to me once he figured it out." I had to concede that Rose was probably right, too. I heard the phone ringing as she said, "Not that he would be able to hold my attention in online conversations. I only fell for him because he has a hot body. Although he does quote 'The Godfather' a lot…"

I shook my head and went into the kitchen. I made a valiant attempt to curb my laughter before answering the phone, but my voice still betrayed me. "Hello?"

I heard someone's breath hitch on an inhale, and then my friend's voice. "Bella." That one word effectively wiped the smile from my face and made my blood run cold with fear.

"Emmett? What's wrong?"

"Bella, I… You should come here."

"What?" My heart was beating in my throat. "Emmett, what's wrong, is Emily okay? Where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital. Bella, you need to come. It's Jacob."

I opened my mouth but all that came out was a sigh of air, so I tried again. "What?" My voice still sounded breathy. "What happened? Jacob's okay." Somehow me saying that he was okay must make it true.

"No, Bells, he's not."

I listened to him tell me that Jacob had been alone at work, and that the neighbors had called the police after hearing gunshots. Time seemed to slow down, or maybe it sped up.

"It's fine, Emmett," I said. "I'll be there soon, okay?" I hung up the phone and set it down.

I felt a little dizzy, so I gave myself a minute to rest against the counter before I tried to move.

I walked out of the kitchen and back into the living room. My friends turned to me with smiles, but then their faces changed. What did I look like? Hopefully not like that.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Alice was at my side before I could blink, and Rose wasn't far behind.

"We need to go to the hospital."

**A/N:** Sorry for the cliffhanger! Alright that's a lie. I'm not sorry at all. Have no fear; the next chapter will be posted soon.


	3. Stop

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**Listen To:** _Hemorrhage (In My Hands) by Fuel _(Edward); _Time Stands Still by The All-American Rejects _(Bella)

Edward Cullen  
September 3, 2012

"Hey Timothy, how's it going?"

"Oh I'm doin' good, Edward, thanks for asking. How about yourself?" He grinned at me as he fetched my usual fare.

"I can't complain."

"Well you _could_ complain," he argued. "Especially with the hours you've been working lately. Speakin' of which, aren't you supposed to be at home right now?"

"I just couldn't stay away," I replied with a grin.

"And how does Mrs. Dr. Cullen feel about you spendin' so much time here? Surely she's missin' you."

"You know I'm not married, Timothy." The old man took every available chance to try to talk me into 'finding myself a wife'. As if it was as easy as going to the grocery store to buy a box of cereal.

"Right, right. Just as well, I suppose. She'd try to keep you home all the time, and then where would we be?" He filled me a cup of coffee without my needing to ask.

"Does this mean you'll stop pestering me about meeting a nice girl?"

"Sure, kid," he joked. "You'd just screw it up anyway."

"Isn't that the truth." I thanked him and paid for my ham and swiss. "See you later, Timothy."

I sat down at an empty two-seater table next to the window to eat my sandwich. It wasn't bad as hospital food goes, but I couldn't help lamenting the loss of the lasagna I had planned to make tonight. It would have provided delicious leftovers for days.

My day off had been interrupted by a polite request that I pick up an extra shift, since the ER would be short-staffed tonight. I think the exact words had been "Cullen, we need you, get your ass down here five minutes ago."

At least I had managed to finish my laundry and clean my apartment. After Alice visited last week, she'd been shocked and appalled at the state of my living conditions. But as a first-year resident at Virginia Mason Medical Center, a lot of my time was accounted for. At the end of the year my hours would ease up a bit and my life would become more manageable.

At least that's the story I was telling myself.

After my shift from hell tonight, I would be a free man for at least the next 24 hours, and I hoped to be able to do something more stimulating than laundry. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and hit the speed dial for Alice's house.

Jasper answered on the third ring. "Hey Edward."

"Hey man, how are you?"

"I'm good. Haven't heard from you in awhile, how've you been?"

I gave him a quick rundown of the past week of my life, which didn't take too long. Was I really this pathetic? When did I end up as one of those people without a life outside of work?

"Anyways," I concluded my dismal recap. "I was calling to see if you might want to grab a drink or something tomorrow night."

"Sorry, man, I can't tomorrow."

I laughed. "Please tell me Alice isn't still making you watch Design Star."

"No, she gave that up, thankfully." He hesitated, piquing my interest, and then he sighed. "We're actually having dinner at Bella and Jacob's house tomorrow night. She invited us, and Emmett and Rosalie."

"Oh."

"Sorry."

"No worries, man."

"How about sometime next week, though?" he added quickly. "We'll go grab a drink, just me, you, and Emmett."

"Yeah, sounds good. Hey listen, I've got to run. I'll talk to you later, okay? Tell Alice I said hi."

"Sure thing. See you, Edward."

I gulped down the last of my coffee before making my rounds in the ER. Five patients, three broken bones, and sixteen stitches later, I was listening to a high-school cheerleader insist that her ankle was broken.

"Well," I sighed. "It seems to be sprained. I'll have one of the nurses bring you an ice pack. You'll want to ice it when you get home, too, to reduce the swelling." I was getting ready to stand and continue on my way when she placed a hand on my arm. I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Are you sure, Doctor? Maybe you should have a closer look." She lifted her leg and held it in front of my face, and, I swear, batted her eyelashes at me.

I felt my pager vibrating and dug it out of my pocket to glance at the code. "Just ice it and you'll be fine. Excuse me."

I moved briskly through the busy ER to the ambulance bay, shivering as I walked outside into the night and saw two nurses waiting. "What have we got?" I could hear the ambulance approaching before I saw the flashing lights pull up to the curb.

Two EMTs helped pull the stretcher through the doors. "Twenty-five-year-old male, unconscious at the scene," informed a tall man whom I recognized, but couldn't name. "Multiple GSWs to the chest and abdomen."

I turned to tell them to bring him to Trauma Room 2, but suddenly found that my speech capabilities had left me.

It was _him._

Oh my God, it was Jacob.

"Trauma 2!" I called. I forced myself to pull it together. It's just another patient, I can do this.

But it wasn't just another patient. It was Jacob-fucking-Black.

The cops arrived shortly, and I recognized some of them from my brother's precinct. "Edward!" I heard my name but was too busy trying to slow Jacob's bleeding to respond. "I already called Emmett. Bella's on her way."

Oh, God, Bella was on her way. She couldn't see him like this. Dear God…

Dear God, please let me save this one.

Thirty minutes later, it wasn't looking good. The gunshots had damaged too many organs, and I couldn't get him stabilized. "Dammit, Jacob, come on!" I hadn't realized I said it out loud until the nurse standing next to me glanced at me warily.

I caught the sight of brown hair in my peripheral vision, and looked up and met Bella's eyes. She shouldn't have to see this. "Bella," I warned. She gasped, and I rushed to her side. Her eyes were glazed and I was afraid she might faint. Bella never was good with blood. "Bella, you shouldn't be in here."

Alice helped me guide her into the waiting room and deposit her into a chair. She still looked as though she might collapse. "Alice…"

My sister understood. "Don't worry, Edward, we'll take care of her. You go save Jacob."

I nodded. "I'll be back to let you know." I was halfway glad to be able to escape from that look on Bella's face. I had barely seen her or talked to her in a year and a half, but I would gladly go another year if it meant I wouldn't have to see that agonized look in her eyes.

When I got back to the trauma room, I was greeted by the sound of a flatline. "Shit!"

We had to shock him 3 times to get him back, and he was going to need surgery. I sent someone to let my sister know we were taking him up, because I wanted to stay with him in case anything went wrong on the way to the OR.

My father met me as the doors of the elevator opened onto the surgical floor. "They called you?" I asked.

He nodded, his lips in a thin line. I realized with shock that Carlisle was more connected to Jacob than I was.

Ever since I saw Jacob's face, I'd been thinking about Bella. For the first time that night, I stopped to think about the implications for my entire family. My family who loved Bella, spent time with Bella. Obviously they would have spent time with Jacob.

I remembered that Esme had made a stocking with his name on it to hang at Christmas. My siblings were having dinner with him and Bella tomorrow. Jasper had said we could get a drink, just the three of us, as if there were someone we would be excluding.

I said another silent prayer to help me save Jacob Black.

As Jacob underwent surgery, I was only dimly aware that my prayers and curses were no longer silent. I knew better than to have much hope, but dammit, I was going to fight this!

Bella Swan  
September 3 – 4th, 2012

Alice helped me make calls on our way to the Virginia Mason Medical Center. I wished I knew more, so that I could tell Charlie more than 'you should come'. Billy, Jacob's father, had passed away before our wedding, but Alice helped me call his sisters. They both lived more than 5 hours away.

When we arrived at the hospital, it was surrounded by flashing lights that hurt my head. Actually, I think my head already hurt.

I blinked, realizing that we were walking into the hospital and I didn't even remember getting out of the car. I didn't want to be out of it, I wanted to know what the hell was going on! I grabbed my anger and wrapped it around me as something to hold on to. My fight or flight response was in full-swing, and I was sure as hell going to fight this.

I'd been to the ER what felt like hundreds of times over the years, but I was always the patient. And Jacob was always at my side. The fluorescent lights seemed especially bright.

I felt my breath quicken. Alice whispered something to Rosalie and then disappeared. Rose hugged her arms tighter around my shoulders.

Alice came back with Emmett in tow, and I immediately ran to him and threw my arms around him. "Where is he?"

With Alice on my right and Rosalie on my left, I followed Emmett to one of the trauma rooms. I stood in front of the glass doors and watched doctors and nurses swarm around the bed. Suddenly I needed to see him, and there were too many people in the way.

I pulled free of Alice and Rosalie and entered the room. There were too many people, didn't they understand that I _needed_ to see my husband?

I caught sight of his face and almost breathed a sigh of relief, but then a nurse moved out of my line of sight and I saw the blood. There was so much blood, and it was Jacob's blood, and it was obviously not inside him. You're supposed to wear your blood on the inside, Jake. How many times have you told me that?

My sigh of relief turned into a gasp as all the air left my body and I was left struggling for more oxygen. I braced my hands on my knees as I tried to pull air into my lungs.

A familiar bronze-haired doctor looked up from his work and spotted me. His face was troubled before, but the anguish in his eyes when he saw me broke my heart. Broke my heart because I couldn't stand the thought of Edward being so sad, and broke my heart because that anguish told me what I didn't want to know.

"Bella." I looked up and he was at my side. I was losing time again. I forgot to hold on to something. "Bella, you shouldn't be in here."

Alice was at my side now too, and with Edward's help she pulled me out of the room.

I was sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair in the waiting room with my friends on either side of me. Alice was holding my hand and Rose had her hand on my knee, and I was glad. Just for good measure, I gripped the arm of the chair for all I was worth. I had to stay here.

Edward said he would let us know. He didn't say let us know what.

I watched Emmett pace back and forth across the waiting room floor, reminding me of a tiger in a cage. My eyes followed him like a tennis match; back and forth, back and forth.

They had to take Jacob into surgery. At least I knew his heart was still beating. Your heart had to be beating for surgery, right?

I was so tired, and I wanted to close my eyes, but I knew that I couldn't. I didn't know why. Something bad would happen. Instead, I watched the hands on the clock move.

When the big hand on the clock had made its rotation three times, I wondered why the waiting room didn't have more comfortable chairs.

Oh my God! Jacob was in surgery! I should be thinking about something else! I wasn't tired anymore, but I liked the tired more than the panic.

Rosalie shouted for her, and Alice came running back to me with two cups of coffee, which she quickly shoved into the hands of a nurse. I realized I was gasping, and my face felt hot but the rest of me was cold. "Oh my God, oh my God…"

Rosalie made soothing noises and squeezed my hand tighter, and Alice was rubbing my arm and smoothing my hair. "Sshh, Bella, ssshh, I know. I know, sweetie. We're here, okay? We're here for you."

I had to concentrate for a few seconds to remember how to breathe. I wouldn't cry. I needed something to do, something to concentrate on. I wouldn't cry until- I wouldn't cry. "What should I do? What should I think about? I have to be thinking about something other than chairs while Jacob-"

Rose cut me off, and I was so glad, because I didn't want to hear the end of that sentence. "Bella, sshh, just think about something happy."

Happy? What was happy? I thought about Jacob.

I thought about Jacob this morning in the shower. I thought about Jacob last week when he surprised me with flowers.

I thought about Jacob on my birthday when he tried to bake me a cake and set off the smoke detectors and we had to yell to hear each other and we fell down laughing and made love on the kitchen floor.

I thought about Jacob at Christmas when he held the mistletoe over his head and dipped me in a passionate kiss while our friends whistled.

I thought about the way Jake's eyes looked when he laughed.

I thought about the way Jake's eyes looked when he told me he loved me.

I thought about the way Jake's eyes looked at our wedding, when I held his gaze as I walked down the aisle, as I said my vows, as I promised to love him for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till…

I looked up then and saw his eyes. I walked to him, holding his gaze.

And right then my heart broke. I felt it. Shattered. My heart broke because that anguish told me what I didn't want to know.

"Bella," he choked. His green eyes filled with tears.

I wrapped my arms around myself to try to keep the pieces from falling on the floor as I broke apart.

Edward took two long strides to cover the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me, and he held me as the sobs ripped me apart. He supported me as I fell to the floor, and held me in his lap as I cried.

Edward Cullen  
September 4, 2012

There was too much bleeding. Each of us was covered in Jacob's blood, and he was losing it faster than we could pump it into him.

"Time of death, 1:36." The words floated after me as I stormed out of the OR, discarding my blood-soaked clothes.

Once I reached the hallway, I didn't know what to do. I paced back and forth. God dammit! I've barely talked to Bella since before her wedding, and now I have to tell her that her husband is dead.

One of my first thoughts was that Jasper would be free tomorrow night. Jacob wasn't going to be around tomorrow. That wasn't right.

You're supposed to get tomorrow.

I took my anger out on the wall, which was a decision I regretted immediately as my knuckles began to throb. I leaned against the wall with one arm and pinched the bridge of my nose. God, why her?

"I'm sorry, Edward." My father laid a hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright?" I just nodded.

I realized I was breathing as if I'd just run a marathon, and my hand was bleeding. It still seemed like a ridiculous question. How could I possibly be alright? How do I tell the girl I've loved that her whole life just fell apart?

I realized that Carlisle was still looking at me anxiously. What the hell should he be worried about me for? I didn't even like the guy. And yet for some reason, my throat felt tight.

"Do you want me to do it?"

I shook my head. "No. I'll tell her." I owed her that much.


	4. Spin

**Disclaimer: **All recognizable Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**Listen To: **_Sleep by Melissa Etheridge; My Last Breath by Evanescence _

Bella Swan  
September 4– 8th, 2012

What do I do?

I'd been asking myself the same question for hours. After I picked myself up off the floor of the hospital, I'd finally stopped losing pieces of time. Now that I was actually in the moment, I didn't know what to do. Seconds and minutes ticked by, and I couldn't help thinking there was something I should be doing.

Before we could leave the hospital, I'd had to talk to the police. Apparently it was standard protocol whenever gunshots were involved. That's fine.

It was when I got back to the house that I found myself at a loss. What is the standard protocol when your husband dies?

What am I supposed to do?

I didn't have an answer to that. I couldn't figure out what to do with myself.

I should have put out food. Damn, why didn't I think of that? Everyone was at my house, and I should have put out food for them, or offered them something. I was being a terrible hostess.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror above my sink. My eyes were red and swollen, and I swiped under my lashes to clear the last traces of mascara. I'd bitten my bottom lip until it was bloody, but there was nothing I could do about that now.

My same old eyes gazed back at me through the mirror. Jacob just died. Shouldn't I look different? Surely nothing could be the same.

Alice knocked on the bathroom door and tentatively called my name. How long had I been standing here?

I followed her into the living room and took a seat on the couch next to my father, who was hiding his face in his hands.

Alice went straight to Jasper and hugged him tightly. Quil Ateara and Embry Call, who worked at the garage with Jacob, were sitting on the other side of my dad. Seth and Leah Clearwater would have been here, but they were on vacation with their mother. I'd called them, and listened to Seth's voice break as he told me they'd be back soon.

Carlisle sat with Esme at the kitchen table, comforting her as she cried silently. Rosalie sat in Emmett's lap in one of my overstuffed upholstered chairs. Edward sat in the other.

I couldn't stand to just sit there any longer, so I got up and went to the kitchen. I was usually at my best in the kitchen, but now I was lost. I couldn't decide what to serve. Rules of etiquette said I needed to provide my guests with something to eat, but I didn't know what they'd like. What would be appropriate?

I stood in front of the fridge and stared at its contents. Had it really only been earlier today that I'd been happily cleaning the fridge? I checked my watch. 4:37 am. Well, I suppose it was yesterday, then.

I shivered, still standing in front of the open refrigerator. What should I make? I always made my fruit tarts for celebrations. Brownies are good for parties.

What goes well with shock and misery?

I shivered again. Shock. Is that what I was feeling? Shock didn't even begin to cover it. My world had stopped, and I just couldn't figure out what I was supposed to be doing anymore.

I yawned. Did it make sense that I was tired?

Why was I questioning all my reactions? Was there even a _right_ way to feel after something like this? I doubted it. Maybe I _was_ doing the right thing.

Although wasting electricity and giving myself goosebumps by keeping the fridge open probably wasn't a good idea. But I still hadn't found anything to serve.

Would vegetables be acceptable?

I grabbed a bag of carrots and a stalk of celery and brought them over to my cutting board. I wash my groceries when I bring them home, so all I had to do was cut them up and put them on a platter.

Alice came up behind me while I was chopping. "Bella," she whispered. I turned to look at her, and almost wished I hadn't. I didn't want to see what my bright, happy, bouncing Alice had been reduced to. Her eyes were red and her face was drawn. If possible, she looked even paler than usual.

When we'd first gotten the news at the hospital, everyone had fallen apart. I lay on the floor in Edward's arms and could barely pay attention to anything around me, but a few hazy pieces had filtered in.

Rosalie sat quietly in her chair with her head in her hands, and Emmett knelt at her feet. I remembered seeing Carlisle talking quietly on his cell phone. I couldn't make out his words, but the look on his face had been enough.

I remembered hearing Alice say "No". I couldn't remember when Jasper had arrived, but he was there, and she was pounding him with her tiny fists while she cried. She hit him and cried "no, no, no" until she collapsed against him, crying quietly.

"Bella?" Alice's voice brought me back to the kitchen. I realized that I'd stopped chopping and was staring blankly at the cutting board. "What are you doing in here?"

"People must be hungry."

"Okay…"

She let me pile the veggies on a plate and followed me back into the living room, where I placed them on the coffee table before reclaiming my seat next to Charlie.

"Bella." What? Oh. I turned to look in the direction of whoever just spoke. "It's getting late," Quil continued. "We're gonna take off." He gestured to himself and Embry.

"Okay," I mumbled. What do I say? I was really starting to get frustrated with my inability to do anything right. "Thanks for coming." I stood up to see them to the door. In the midst of chaos, I felt that I should at least be able to maintain my good manners.

"We'll call you tomorrow," Embry promised. I hugged them both and shut the door behind them.

"I suppose we should be getting home as well." Carlisle and Esme stood and we exchanged hugs.

Esme's tears were still falling freely. "If you need anything, just call," she insisted. She hugged me tightly.

I walked back to the living room and looked at my friends, my family. I couldn't stand seeing everyone so broken. I couldn't do this anymore.

"I'm going to go lie down," I announced. I knew it was selfish of me to leave, but I didn't think I could stand being in there another second.

Our bedroom looked the same as it always did. Jacob always made the bed. I lay down on top of the covers. After watching 37 minutes tick away on the clock on the bedside table, I turned onto my other side, but that left me facing the empty side of the bed. I decided the clock was better.

I heard the door open and click shut again. Alice lay down next to me. "Everyone's gone," she whispered. I nodded. Gone.

Damn, I should have said goodbye.

Light behind my eyelids signaled me to wake up. I rolled over and reached out to…

Oh, _God_.

I sat up, gasping. I couldn't get enough air. I'd _forgotten_. Oh my God, I'd forgotten!

I closed my eyes tight. I'd fallen asleep. I'd fallen asleep, and forgotten. But now I remembered. How could I have fallen asleep? If I hadn't gone to sleep, then maybe yesterday wouldn't have been real. Couldn't yesterday have not been real?

I sat on the bed only long enough to catch my breath. I was still shaking when I stood up, but I had to get out. I took one last look at the bed, then closed the door behind me.

A glance at the clock in the dining room told me it was 10 am, which meant I'd only actually slept for about 4 hours. Apparently that was long enough.

I turned on the tv and sat on the couch with my knees pulled to my chest. I knew Alice was still in the guest room, but she should get more than 4 hours of sleep. She'd been through a lot.

After awhile, I felt Alice situate herself on the couch and put an arm around my shoulders. We sat in silence. What was there to say? Rosalie arrived shortly after and joined us.

At one point, Alice put a sandwich in front of me. I wasn't hungry, so I left it alone.

The day was punctuated by doorbells and phone calls. My dining room table was covered in flowers. Depressing flowers. Was this really what people thought I needed? I almost laughed.

I got calls from both Rebecca and Rachel. I knew that at some point I was going to have to snap into gear and help get things prepared for the funeral.

I didn't want to do this.

Seth and Leah stopped by. It broke my heart to see Seth cry. They'd both been through too much at too young an age, and the last thing they needed was another funeral.

Esme was there for awhile, and Jasper was around at various points throughout the day. He still had patients to see, so he was in and out. Angela came by with a tray of crackers, cheese, and grapes. So apparently that's what you serve in this situation. Leave it to Angela to know.

When it was dark outside, I was still sitting on the couch with Alice and Rose. The doorbell rang and Alice got up to answer, again. She came back in with Emmett and Edward.

"Hey Bella." I looked up. It was usually hard not to return Emmett's smile, but I guess not even he could help me now. Edward was still wearing his scrubs.

They each took a seat in our living room. _My_ living room. I closed my eyes against the brief, piercing pain that pulsed through my entire body.

Rosalie left to pick up Emily from the babysitter. Emmett was in the kitchen with Alice when Edward turned to look at me.

His hair was in more disarray than usual. He had circles under his eyes and was starting to grow stubble from lack of shaving. He looked a mess. I stared at him from my position on the couch with my cheek resting against my knees.

He ran both hands through his hair a couple of times before speaking. "Bella, I'm so sorry," he whispered. His voice sounded strained.

I nodded. I'd been hearing that a lot lately.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and I knew him well enough to know that he only did that when he was upset, or had a headache. "I really tried. I swear I tried…" He closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head.

Oh.

He thinks it's his fault.

I knew I should say something, but I didn't know what. Words were not something I was capable of anymore. But still, he should know that I didn't blame him. He had to know that, didn't he? It wasn't his fault.

When he opened his eyes, I was still staring at him. I caught his gaze and held it. I shook my head and tried to convey my message with my eyes. Don't blame yourself. I don't. I'm sure you did your best.

He huffed and gave me a rueful smile. The kind of smile that said you were anything but happy.

Emmett had to drive Edward home. Jasper came back again, and I listened to Alice have a breakdown in the kitchen. Her voice was muffled and I knew I wasn't meant to hear her.

"Jazz, I don't know what to do," she whispered. I could tell she was crying. At least I wasn't the only one who couldn't figure out what to do. "I don't know how to comfort her when all she does is sit and stare. She hasn't cried, she just stares."

"Just stay with her," Jasper answered in a low voice. "She's still in shock. Just give her some time, Alice. All you need to do is be there for her."

"Tell me what to do," she sobbed. "Jasper, tell me we'll make it through this. Please, let us make it through this." I listened to her sobbing for what I thought was a long time. She calmed down after awhile and pulled herself together. When she emerged from the kitchen, only the slight redness of her eyes betrayed her.

It was past midnight when Jasper said goodbye, which left me alone with Alice on the couch again.

"Bella, it's getting late," she said gently. "Do you think you want to go to bed?"

I just shook my head. I couldn't go back in there. I didn't even want to sleep. I wouldn't be able to bear it if I forgot again, and had to remember. Living it once was bad enough.

Alice stayed on the couch with me. She fell asleep while I stared blankly at the television. If only I could bring myself to care about the weight loss infomercial, then maybe I could just escape for a minute. But I really couldn't care.

There was no escaping.

The next few days seemed to last a lifetime, and yet I couldn't remember any distinguishable events. Time was a slippery thing, and I couldn't seem to keep a handle on it. The meaning of time had begun to wear away. What did it really matter?

I had to prepare for the funeral. I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any easier. Alice was a huge help. Her coordination skills really came in handy when trying to track down Quileute elders, make phone calls, order flowers, and make arrangements.

I was supposed to write and deliver the eulogy. That was the one thing I was in charge of.

"If you need any help, just let me know," Jasper offered. I got similar offers from Esme, Emmett, and Angela. I didn't need help. I didn't even know where to begin.

"You're a writer, Bella," Alice encouraged. "This is what you do. Just think of the happiest memories you have of Jacob, and write them down. You'll be fine."

You'll be fine, she says. Will I ever be fine again? But that's beside the point.

I tried to write it. I really did. I sat down at my computer on several occasions, but each time I found myself staring at a blank page with a blinking cursor.

I didn't want to think about happy memories of Jacob.

What I really wanted to do was scream. Scream at Jacob, scream at myself, scream at the world. How _dare_ he leave me here? What did I do to deserve this? How dare he make me fall in love with him, just to leave me?

I tried to write multiple times over the next 2 days, until suddenly the funeral was tomorrow, and I still only had a blinking cursor. As I sat at my desk staring at the blank computer screen, I was only too eager to take Alice up on her offer to accompany her in picking up the flowers.

I knew her main goal was to get me out of the house, but at that moment, I just needed to get away from the computer. Angela was supposed to be arriving with food for the luncheon after the burial, and she would need someone to let her into the house and help her unload the car. Edward agreed to stay.

Alice drove Jasper's Honda CR-V so that we would have enough room for the flowers in the back. I stared silently out the window as we drove to the florist, trying to ignore the worried looks Alice gave me every 30 seconds.

We couldn't find any parking near the florist shop, so we were going to have to carry the flowers about a block to get them to the car. As we walked to the store, I shivered and regretted not bringing a jacket. Summer really _was_ over.

I heard laughter and automatically turned my head toward the sound. Who could possibly be laughing at a time like this?

A teenager in the park across the street was laughing with her boyfriend while eating a hotdog. Suddenly I wasn't cold anymore.

I realized in a rush that I was across the street from the very last place I'd talked to Jacob. It was the very last place I'd ever seen my husband alive.

I stepped into the alley and around the corner of a building just in time to attempt to rid myself of the nothing that was in my stomach. Alice smoothed my hair and rubbed circles on my back while my stomach turned. Luckily I hadn't eaten in days, so there wasn't much for my body to expel.

When I was finished, I stood up straight and pushed my hair back from my face. I wiped the sweat from my brow and took a deep, shaky breath.

"Bella." Alice moved in front of me and stared up into my eyes. "Are you going to be okay?" she whispered.

"I don't know." And that was the truth.


	5. Shatter

**Listen to: **_Let it Be, "Across the Universe" Soundtrack; How to Save a Life by The Fray_

Bella Swan  
September 9, 2012  


Sitting in the window seat, I watched the sun rise. It was starting out as a cloudless day in Seattle, which happens about 4 times a year. I used to love the sun, but at this very moment I prayed for rain. Or at least clouds. It just couldn't be sunny on the day I bury my husband. It wouldn't be right. Not fitting.

Come on, come on, come on. Let there be rain. I continued to stare out the window as the sun rose higher and higher, unobstructed. Come on, come on, please.

"Please what?" I hadn't heard Alice come up behind me, and I hadn't realized that I'd been chanting my mantra out loud.

"I was asking for clouds."

"But you love the sun." Alice attempted a smile.

"It just can't be sunny," I asserted vehemently, shaking my head. "Not today."

When I turned to look at her, Alice's lips were pressed into a thin line. She nodded sagely, and we left it at that. She held out a hand to me. "Come on."

I let her pull me up from my seat and into the dining room. Charlie, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Esme, Angela, and Edward were occupying space in the living and dining rooms, though I couldn't remember noticing them arrive.

Alice set me in a chair with a plate of pancakes in front of it and plopped down in the seat across from me. She pointed at the plate. "Eat."

"Alice, I'm really not-"

"Eat!" she insisted. "You haven't eaten anything in days, and you need to eat something now, so I'm going to sit here and watch you until you eat every bite of those pancakes."

I picked the pancakes to shreds with my fingers and ate them in pieces. When I couldn't possibly eat any more, I pushed the rest of the pieces around on the plate with my fork. I was stalling, because when I stood up from the table, I knew I had to get ready for Jacob's funeral.

When I was finished, I walked silently to the bedroom door. I think I may have heard people talking to me on the way, but couldn't be sure.

I stood and stared at the door. I hadn't been back in that room since the first morning I'd woken up without him. Rosalie and Alice appeared beside me. Rose linked her arm with mine.

"I can get your clothes for you, if you want," Alice offered quietly.

I shook my head. "I have to do this?" It came out as more of a question than a statement, which I hated.

"You can do it, Bella," Rosalie encouraged. "We'll help you get ready, and we'll help you get through this."

With my friends at my side, I opened the door.

As I stood in the shower and let the hot water pound against my back, I steeled myself for the day ahead. I just had to make it through this day. Please, God, let me make it through this day.

It didn't seem possible. How can I do this? It's too much.

I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't get enough oxygen. I was going to die. I sank to the floor of the shower, gasping. Letting the water cascade over me and trickle into my eyes, I sat and tried to figure out what to do. How can I do this without dying?

I can't. There was no possible way I could go to Jacob's funeral, and still remain in one piece. And yet, it was something I had to do. There was no escaping.

Maybe I couldn't get through the whole day, but I would try.

Step one, get dressed. I could do that. If I just take it one step at a time, I might be able to manage. I can get dressed. I've done that before, I know how it goes, and I know what to do. Just get dressed.

Alice and Rosalie were integral to my success in step one. Alice, who always thought ahead, brought a dress for me. The only black dress I had in my closet was the dress I wore on mine and Jake's first anniversary, and I refused to wear it today. Whatever dress I wore today, I was sure I'd never be able to wear again.

After they helped me get dressed, Alice and Rose helped with step two, hair and makeup. I had to look presentable. When we were finished I still had dark bags under my eyes, but I couldn't expect anything less after days of little or no sleep. I'd drifted off occasionally, but never for more than an hour at a time.

I looked at myself in the mirror, in my black knee-length dress, black stockings, and black heels. Rosalie had blown my hair out straight and Alice applied my light makeup.

Step three? What was step three? I needed another step. "What now?" I asked, hoping that they couldn't detect the frantic note in my voice.

"Now we'll go make sure everyone's ready to go."

I nodded my head. Okay… so step three was a big one. "Okay." I was still nodding, and I saw that my eyes were wide in the mirror. "Alright." I cleared my throat. "You guys go ahead and get everyone ready, and I'll be out in a sec."

"Are you sure?" Rosalie asked.

"I just need a minute."

I was sure that I would need much more than a minute to be truly ready for this, but they took me at my word and shut the door gently behind them.

I sat on the edge of the bed and took inventory. Was I ready for step three? Could I get in the car and drive to the funeral?

Physically, yes. I was capable of that. If I just focused on physically getting into the car, I'd be fine. I had my black dress, my purse, my …

Eulogy. I never finished the eulogy. Hell, I never even started it.

Panicking and trying not to hyperventilate again, I ran to my computer. How could I have let this happen? The eulogy was the _one thing_ that _I _was in charge of, and I couldn't even do that right!

I'm not this person, the person who doesn't get things done. Bella Swan is an independent, reliable, successful woman. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't quite sure where Bella Swan was at the moment. Would I ever be able to function like a normal human being again?

Maybe I really should have taken someone up on their offer to help. Angela's father is a preacher, she surely could have helped. Esme is so compassionate; I know she would have been so happy to help me. And who better to portray emotions than Jasper? He would have written a beautiful eulogy.

I managed to avoid running into anyone as I made my way into my office and sat down with my laptop. There was the file, saved simply as "Jacob". I clicked on the file and was prepared to be greeted by a blank page with my blinking cursor.

But it wasn't blank.

It was there. A eulogy. A eulogy that I never wrote was written, beautifully so, and saved to my desktop.

~~~***~~~***~~~

How was I doing this? Even as I stood silently, listening and not hearing the Quileute elder speak, I wondered how I was managing to do it. How am I even functioning right now?

My life had degenerated into minutes, sometimes seconds. I tell myself I just need to get through the next 30 seconds. And then the next. 30 seconds doesn't sound so bad, but in the back of my mind I ask myself when I can rest. When can I stop making it through? Can't I just stop?

Dammit, I need to do this. I need to be strong for Charlie. For Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Emily, Edward, Esme, Carlisle. For Seth, and Leah, and Sam, and Quil, and Embry. I can do this, I'll be strong. I can do this for my family.

Can I really? Can I do this? I took a deep breath. It felt shaky, and it must have sounded that way, because Alice squeezed my hand in reassurance.

And before I knew it, it was my turn.

Facing my friends and family, I said my goodbyes to my husband, and began to read the beautiful eulogy that I couldn't have written, but that spoke the truth better than I ever could.

"We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance. –Marcel Proust."

I took a deep breath before continuing. "You're supposed to get _tomorrow_. But if we've learned anything from this past week, it's that you can't take tomorrow for granted. Luckily Jacob understood that. He lived for the day. He took advantage of every opportunity, and lived life to the fullest."

"Jacob Black was the sun on a cloudy day. He could light up the darkness, and he brought light to the lives of those around him. I think of what he's done for my family, and I know that each of us has been changed by his presence. I will always be grateful to him for everything he's done."

I spoke about my time with Jacob. I spoke about the big experiences in our lives, like Christmas, and our wedding, and then I improvised. I talked about the fateful night when Jacob and I got caught in a storm. We were holding hands, and running through the rain. We couldn't catch a cab, and we were both soaking wet. When we finally ran up to the door of Jacob's apartment, he reached into his pocket and instead of a key, he pulled out a ring. As I stood there dripping, with wet strands of my hair sticking to my face and neck, he said that he couldn't have planned a better moment to propose.

I paused. Keep going, you've come this far. I blinked hard. I _would not _do this now. Later, I could cry. Not now. Stay strong, Bella.

I continued with the written words. "If we've learned anything from Jacob, it's that you don't always get tomorrow. We need to take advantage of every day we're given. Live for the moment, because there's no day but today."

As I walked back to my seat, I tried not to pay attention to Charlie, who was crying openly now. Jacob had truly been like a son to him. I avoided looking at Alice, whose face was buried in Jasper's chest, her shoulders heaving with sobs. I couldn't bear to see my strong Rosalie with tears streaming silently down her cheeks while Emmett stroked her hair. I felt familiar eyes on me, but when I sought him out, Edward averted his gaze toward his shoes.

To my dismay, the sun was still shining during the burial service, and I found myself wondering if I'd ever be able to love the sun again. Jacob had been my warmth, and without him it was just painful and blinding. I watched as they lowered Jacob into the ground.

People talk about having broken hearts, about feeling shattered, but no one ever told me I would feel it. Actually feel the pieces inside me breaking, the sharp pieces of myself trying to tear me apart.

I held my arms around my torso to keep the pieces inside. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to put myself back together again, but I thought I would at least want to keep the pieces.

~~~***~~~***~~~

"I'm so sorry, Bella." I accepted another hug, this one from Emily Uley. "We'll all miss him so much, but he's in a better place." I nodded. I'd heard that a lot, too.

After the burial, everyone had come back to my house for the luncheon. Yet another thing I didn't know how to handle. Once more I thanked God for my friends. Alice and Angela were busy running the show, and Rosalie was good at diverting people when I began to get overwhelmed. That left me with nothing to focus on but surviving.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could do this. It felt like it got harder with every second.

"Bella?" Seth questioned tentatively. His eyes were bright with unshed tears, and his bottom lip trembled. We hugged, and I was relieved that he didn't feel the need to utter a single word. After all, what was there to be said? 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem to cover it.

Eventually Seth and I broke apart, and I was left to face the rest of the crowd. All day I'd been receiving worried glances, particularly from Alice, but Edward was also eyeing me warily. They regarded me as if I were a ticking time bomb.

Maybe they were right. I had to get out of here.

I snuck away into the kitchen. I had to be doing something, anything. I grabbed the rest of the vegetables and started chopping, then paused when I felt a hot, sharp pain. When I looked down, I saw blood oozing from my finger.

I grabbed a paper towel and wrapped it around the cut, then stepped into my large walk-in pantry to find a bandage.

I shut my eyes and leaned against the back of the door momentarily, listening to the people in the other room. I just had to make it through until they left. Just a little while longer, and then…

Then, what?

That's when it hit me. This wasn't going away.

I'd been so focused on all the steps leading up to this point that I hadn't thought about what would happen once it was all over. The funeral was over, and now life had to go on. How could life possibly go on without him? I don't know how to exist in a world where Jacob doesn't.

I sat on the floor in the corner of the pantry with my head between my knees. I tried to have my breakdown quietly, but apparently I wasn't quiet enough. The pantry door opened and I looked up to meet Edward's eyes.

He took in the blood-stained towel lying on the floor and went into doctor mode, immediately kneeling down next to me. "Bella, what happened? Where are you hurt?"

"Everywhere," I gasped.

"Breathe, Bella," Edward whispered, sitting on the floor across from me.

I took a few minutes to try to remember how to breathe.

"I don't know what to do!" I exclaimed. Blinking my eyes rapidly, I tried to focus on Edward's face as my vision swam. Despite my best efforts, the tears began to fall, and I couldn't help feeling a little relieved. Hadn't I been strong for long enough?

"How did this happen? How did we get here? Why isn't Jacob here?"

"Bella…," He looked worried.

"No," I shook my head. "I'm not crazy," I insisted. "I just don't understand. I don't get how something like this could happen. What did we do to deserve this?"

"No one deserves this, Bella. Bad things just happen."

"I do not accept that!" I half whispered hoarsely. If I hadn't been worried about attracting too much attention from the many people right outside the room, I would have screamed it. "I _can't_ accept that, Edward! I _hate _this! I hate this, and I hate him! _ I hate him_ for leaving me."

He tried to say something, but I couldn't hear it.

"I get it, okay? I know he's in a better place, but what about _me_? Where does that leave _me_?" My words were punctuated by sobs, and I was having a hard time speaking around my tears.

He scooted closer to me and gripped me firmly by the shoulders. "Bella, listen to me," he commanded. "You'll get through this, alright? I promise."

"How?" I demanded. "How can you promise me that? I don't know what to do, Edward! I don't know what to do without him!" I was sobbing so hard that I felt like my body was going to rip itself apart.

"He's always been there for me, Edward!" I cried. "I don't know what to do! Jake was always there, and now he's gone! He was there for me when you… when you-" I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't get the words out, but one look at his tormented expression told me that I didn't have to.

"You have us now," he told me firmly. "You have Alice, and Rosalie, and me, and the rest of the family. We're _your_ family, Bella, and we'll be here to help you."

"I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to.. l- live without him."

Without another word, Edward pulled me to his chest and held me close while I completely broke down. And for the first time since the hospital, I let it happen. I'd finally had enough of being strong, and I let myself fall to pieces. I gripped his jacket in my fists and held on for dear life as the rest of the world fell away.

~~~***~~~***~~~

I don't know how long I'd been lying on the floor of the pantry. The amount of energy it would take to move seemed impossible to gather and the cold tile felt nice against my cheek. Alice had checked in a couple of times and had whispered conversations with Edward, but when she left he would rejoin me on the floor.

It was relaxing to lie in silence, though I knew that eventually something would have to happen. I just didn't know what it would be. A continuation of life, I suppose. That just didn't seem like a feasible possibility.

I was jarred slightly from my state of numbness when I felt a vibration. Edward dug in his pocket to pull out his pager.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I have to go."

The best response I could muster was a nod of my head. He slipped quietly out the door, and almost immediately, Alice came in to take his place.

She lowered herself gingerly to the floor and lay on her side facing me. "It's past midnight, Bella, and you haven't slept in days," she whispered. "It's time for you to go to bed."

The thought of going back into the bedroom filled me with panic, and my eyes began to swim with tears once again as I pushed myself to a sitting position. "I can't go back in there," I asserted, shaking my head vehemently.

Alice pulled me into a fierce hug. "I know, ssshhh, I know. It's okay, you don't have to. We'll take you to Charlie's."

So this was it. I had to leave the pantry, and re-enter the world outside.

Alice and Rose packed my things and loaded me into the car. I received hugs from Rosalie and Emmett, who were headed home, and climbed into Alice's car for the ride to Forks. As we sped down the dark and nearly deserted highway, it finally began to rain.

When we got to the house, Charlie helped carry my bag up the stairs to my room before retiring for the night. I finally changed out of my funeral dress and lay down on my small bed with Alice.

I was so tired, and yet sleep still evaded me. I stared at the ceiling and tried my best to think of nothing. The walls of the room changed color as the sun rose and light leaked in through the drawn curtains. Alice slept off and on, and gave me concerned looks while she was awake.

The spill of light was almost touching the far corner of the room when Alice swung her feet off the bed and walked over to my old desk to begin rummaging through the drawers. I closed my eyes, and didn't really care enough to ask her what she was doing.

I had my unasked question answered when I heard the click of the CD player closing, a moment before a song began to play. Alice had found the CD Edward had recorded for me back in high school. I lay unmoving, listening to the familiar notes, and felt Alice lay back down next to me.

The third track on the CD was my lullaby, and before I could remember what track came next, I was asleep.


	6. Move In

**Listen to: **_Her Eyes by Pat Monahan _

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

Edward Cullen  
August 23, 2004

"This had better be the last of it!" I plopped a heavy box amid its many friends which were occupying the limited floor space.

"That's the last one for now," Alice promised. "I couldn't fit the rest of my boxes on the truck, so we'll just bring them up later."

"_We_?"

Bella walked into the common room and caught the last of our conversation. "Have we mentioned how grateful we are for your help?" She smiled apologetically.

I couldn't help but return her smile as I plopped down on the couch and surveyed the mess that was their new dorm. "So what now?"

"Now we unpack and organize!" Alice exclaimed, still jumping around with a freakish amount of energy. She was flitting from box to box and ripping into each one. She would pull something out and set it on the floor, and then move on to another box.

"What exactly are you accomplishing right now, Alice?" Bella asked, shaking her head. "All our stuff is just going to be on the floor in no particular order."

My sister sighed exasperatedly. "Silly Bella. Don't worry, just leave it to me. Why don't you and Edward go get some coffee, and bring back some dinner."

"Are you sure you don't want any help?" she asked, looking around at the chaos.

"I have it all under control," Alice promised. "Now, shoo! I don't want to see you back here for three hours."

I laughed and grabbed my keys from the top of one of the boxes while Bella hovered around my sister. "You heard the little despot," I called. "Let's go."

The girls were rooming on the third floor of their twelve-story dorm, so we'd been taking the stairs all day in order to leave the elevator free for people who actually needed it. We maneuvered our way through the crowds of new students and onto the streets of Seattle.

Monday was our first day of classes at the University of Washington, and today was the official freshmen move-in day. I'd already moved into my dorm, since I'd been taking summer classes, and so I had no good excuse when Alice requested that I assist them with my moving expertise. Not that I would have been able to say no to Bella once she asked.

We decided that coffee was probably a good idea, and set out for our destination. After a long afternoon of manual labor, a nice cold caffeinated beverage sounded like the perfect cure for our waning energy. Not surprisingly, there was a conveniently located Starbucks a few blocks away.

The place was packed with new students and parents, so Bella went to scope out a table while I stepped up to order our drinks.

A blond girl was at the register taking orders, and looked like she'd rather be anywhere else. When I stepped up to the counter, however, she perked up. "Hi there," she smiled, and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "How are you doing today?" She leaned forward slightly over the counter and looked at me intently, as if my answer was of the utmost importance. I recognized the look in her eyes, and knew that I had to get away as soon as possible.

"I'm fine, thanks, and you?" I tried to be polite while not giving her the wrong impression. Unfortunately my efforts were futile.

"Well, the day seems to be looking up!" She grinned. "What can I do for you?" At the last, her voice took on a slightly seductive tone, and I cringed inwardly.

"One venti iced coffee," I requested, then took a deep breath to launch into Bella's drink order. "And one venti, iced, nonfat, upside-down, no ice Caramel Macchiato."

"Absolutely. Is there anything _else_ I can do for you?"

I shook my head and paid my tab, telling her to keep the change so that I could make my escape as quickly as possible.

I headed over to the other side of the bar to wait for our drinks. I watched apprehensively as the blond girl waved over one of her coworkers, whispered to her, and switched positions so that she was now the barista. When she finished the drinks, she set them on the counter but didn't relinquish them.

"I haven't seen you around here before. Are you a new student?" she asked.

I nodded. I tried to reach for my drinks, but short of yanking them out of her hands, there wasn't much I could do.

"Me too!" I didn't ask how she could have seen me around if she was a new student as well. "Maybe we'll see each other in class sometime! Hey, let me get your phone number, and we can go out to eat or something tonight before classes start!"

I was trying to think of the most courteous way to get out of this conversation when I felt an arm slide around my waist and suddenly Bella was rescuing me from social hell.

"There you are, Edward," she exclaimed. "What's taking so long?" She smiled at the other girl. "Are those our drinks?"

The blond girl looked upset, but pushed our drinks toward us and let go of them before returning to her work with a huff. Bella started laughing as we turned away from the counter.

"Thanks." I seemed to attract more unwanted female attention than I'm willing to admit, and Bella was constantly saving me.

"What am I going to do with you?" She shook her head at me, still laughing.

"Hey, it's not all me. Remember when Mike registered for all the same classes as you? Who helped you rearrange your schedule?"

She blushed. "Yeah, yeah… Oh, by the way, I found Angela and Ben! They're saving us a table in the corner."

"Hey guys," I greeted as we took our seats across from our friends. "How has moving day been treating you?"

Ben groaned and laid his head on the table, and Angela laughed. "As well as can be expected," she replied. "How's it been going for you guys? Are you unpacked yet?"

"We're done bringing all our stuff in," Bella began.

"Only _some_ of the stuff, apparently," I corrected.

She smiled. "Alice is there now unpacking and 'organizing', supposedly. We were banished."

"Lucky!" Ben cried. "I wish my roommate would pitch in. He got the tv set up and his Xbox plugged in, and he's just been playing Halo ever since."

We hadn't seen each other much over the summer, so we exchanged stories while we sipped our drinks, and before I knew it the sun had set.

"We'd better get going," Angela said reluctantly. "I've still got a lot of work ahead of me. Why don't we do something tomorrow, though?"

We agreed on an exploratory trip around Seattle, to discover the best restaurants, coffee shops, and entertainment.

"I know this is going to sound really bad, since we only lived a couple hours away… but I've never actually been to Pike Place Market," Bella admitted.

I looked at her in surprise. "Really?" If I'd known she'd never been, I would have taken her.

She nodded. "Really."

"Well that's definitely on the list for tomorrow, then."

Angela agreed. "There's also supposed to be this amazing bookstore somewhere around here. It's a little hole-in-the-wall place I heard about, so I'd like to look for it."

"That sounds great!" Bella cried. "I've been meaning to look for a new copy of _Wuthering Heights_, and I've heard really good things about _Into the Wild_…"

Once Bella got to talking about books, she could go on for hours, and Angela was an enabler. I guess I shouldn't expect much else from two literature majors.

Ben skillfully diverted the conversation by mentioning a Thai restaurant he'd like to try. We joked about perhaps touring the city and counting the number of Starbucks locations we encountered, but Bella pointed out that if we did that, we wouldn't have time for anything else.

"We definitely need to explore University Way some more."

"The Ave," I corrected. "I know that 'avenue' isn't actually in the name, but for some reason it's known as The Ave. It's pretty much the heart of the University District."

We agreed on a meeting time for the next morning, and said our goodbyes. "See you tomorrow!" Angela turned and waved one last time on her way out the door.

I took Bella's empty cup and threw it out along with my own. "What sounds good for dinner?" I asked as we walked down the busy sidewalk.

She shrugged. "Pizza?"

"I found this great place a couple blocks down," I suggested.

We headed to the pizzeria and waited in the line that was out the door. Luckily that gave us enough time to meet the three-hour mark that Alice had set for us.

Since Emmett had planned on stopping by when he was finished moving into his new place, we thought it best to get three pizzas, and that way he could devour his usual amount and the girls could still have some leftovers. One pepperoni, one sausage and green peppers, and one everything pizza later, we were headed back up the stairs to their room.

When I opened the door I had to do a double-take, and I almost thought I had the wrong room. Bella moved past me as I held the door open, and then stopped in her tracks.

Alice came bounding into the common room when she heard us enter. "You're back!" she yelled. "Well? What do you think?"

I spun around and tried to take in the whole room, while Bella stared in shock. "Holy cow, Alice!" she exclaimed.

There were no boxes in sight, and if I hadn't known better, I'd have said that this room had been lived in for months. Everything was in its place. Alice had even hung curtains on the window, tossed throw pillows and a blanket on the couch, hung picture frames, and laid out a rug. Everything was done.

"How on earth did you get this all done so quickly, Alice?" I asked.

"Oh, please," she scoffed, waving a hand in dismissal. "This is what I _do_."

"It's incredible," Bella praised, hugging her friend. "Thank you!"

"No problem! I told you to leave it all to me, didn't I?"

"You certainly did. And you did a great job," she insisted.

"I know," Alice grinned.

Emmett entered through the still-open doorway. "Damn, Alice, can you do this to my new place?"

"Absolutely!" she exclaimed. I could see by the gleam in her eye that she was thrilled at the prospect of getting her hands on Emmett's living quarters. I'd seen his new apartment, and it would be a perfect blank slate for Alice's design ideas.

Emmett got distracted by the pizza boxes I was still holding. "Oh good, _food_!" He grabbed one of the boxes from the top of the stack and took it over to the coffee table to open it. "Dammit, I grabbed the green peppers. Edward, bring over something edible!"

"Hello to you too," I laughed, handing him the pepperoni pizza. "How's it going over at your place?"

He shrugged and took a moment to chew an enormous bite of pizza before responding. "It's good. It'll be pretty nice not to have a roommate until you move in. I'll get the whole place to myself. Oh, and Dad said he'd help me paint it. Wanna lend a hand, since you'll be living there too?"

Before I could even respond, Alice announced that we would have a painting party tomorrow.

"Actually, Edward and I made plans with Angela and Ben." Bella broke the news with an apologetic look.

"That just means more fun for us!" Alice cried, and returned Emmett's high-five.

"Sorry we won't be around to help out."

"No worries, bro," Emmett assured me. "We got it covered."

I sat in one of the armchairs Alice had arranged around the coffee table, and Bella perched on the arm of the chair with her piece of pizza. She jumped nearly a foot in the air and I put my arm around her waist to steady her when Emmett exclaimed loudly. "Oh! You'll never guess what happened to me today!"

I laughed at her and Bella just glared at me before turning politely to my brother. "What is it, Emmett?"

"Okay, so I caught this crazy blond chick totally checking me out while I was getting coffee…" he began, but I had to interrupt.

"Wait, was it at the Starbucks on The Ave?"

He paused his story and furrowed his brow. "Yeah, how'd you know?"

Bella burst out laughing while I explained. "I think that's the same girl who hit on _me_ today. She was a total creepy-stalker type, she wouldn't even give me my drinks until I gave her my phone number."

"Well excuse me, but I have a date with that creepy stalker tomorrow night." He whipped a napkin with her phone number out of his pocket and brandished it with pride.

"I guess that's why she only wanted to do something with me _tonight_," I mused. Bella just laughed harder. "Good luck with that girl, Emmett, she seemed a little desperate."

He shrugged. "Whatever dude, you're just jealous that I got to her first."

I raised my eyebrow. "Yes, that must be it."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Alright, well _anyways_… Let's focus on more important topics, like what on earth are we going to do tonight? It's Bella's and my first night in college, and we have to make it memorable!"

Emmett reached into his back pocket and pulled out a wad of colorful papers.

"How many girls' phone numbers do you really need, Emmett?" Bella asked incredulously.

"Well you can never have too many. But these aren't numbers, these are all the party flyers that I accumulated during my walk over here."

Alice leaned over and grabbed a flyer from the stack. "Let's go to this one, it's pink!" She hopped up from her spot on the couch and ran over, pulling Bella up by her wrist. "Come on, we have to hurry! It started at 9, which means we have to be there by 10 to be fashionably late, and that means we have less than an hour to get ready!" Bella gave me a forlorn look as she was pulled into Alice's bedroom.

"Do we even know who's throwing this 'pink' party?"

Emmett studied the flyer. "Oh sure, I know John. We had a class together last semester."

"What major were you last semester? Was that during your English phase?"

He shook his head. "I don't remember. But I know we were in a psych class together. He's good people."

Exactly 43 minutes later, the girls reappeared. Bella shook her head and rolled her eyes. I think she'd finally begun to accept Alice's makeovers as a necessary evil, and discovered that it was better to just go along than to fight it. Although I felt bad for her, I couldn't help but be stunned each time I saw her after Alice finished. Bella was always beautiful, but when my sister finished with her, she looked _sexy_. At the beginning, I'd spoken with Alice about these little makeovers of hers and the fact that Bella hated them, but I had to agree with my sister that Bella's self-confidence could use a boost every now and then.

I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her, whispering my compliments in her ear. "You're gorgeous." I kissed her temple and smiled, looking down to see the blush I knew I would elicit.

It turned out that John's house was only a few blocks away from the girls' dorm. The sidewalks were crawling with students, and quite a hefty chunk of them were heading in the same direction we were. Apparently John's marketing efforts with the pink flyer had paid off for him.

The party was typical, nothing too exciting. The yard was crowded with students sipping from plastic cups, and the house was even more packed. I was quickly reminded of why I usually tried to avoid house parties.

As soon as we were through the door, Emmett disappeared into the throngs of people and Alice bounced away. As we made our way through the living room, a drunken someone knocked into Bella, who stumbled into me. I glared daggers at the idiot and wrapped my arm around Bella to hold her close to me.

I caught a glimpse of a keg across the kitchen, but it would be difficult to squeeze through the crowd. I yelled into Bella's ear so she could hear me. "I'll go get us drinks!" She nodded and pulled away to grab a spot in an armchair that had just opened up.

I knew better than to ask if Bella wanted a beer, since I knew she hated the taste. I had fought my way through the crowd into the kitchen, where I happily stumbled upon a cooler. I grabbed a bottle of water for Bella and a Coke for myself.

Alice was chatting excitedly with Bella as I approached. I handed her the bottle of water and leaned against the arm of the chair.

"I love this song!" Alice was squealing. "Let's go dance!" She tried to pull Bella up by her arm.

Bella shot me a desperate glance as she was hauled away by my sister, and I smiled and waved. If looks could kill, I'd be cold as ice, but I thought it would be good for Bella to get out there and have some fun.

At first I hung back and watched the two girls, but before long they were joined by Emmett, who gave me a look that clearly said 'What the hell?' and waved me over.

Bella tried to be mad and ignore me as punishment for leaving her in the hands of my sister. As we danced, however, she warmed up and before long she was laughing and having fun. Alice gave me a smug smile.

We were out of breath and slightly sweaty by the time we made it out of the group of dancers. "Are you ready to get out of here?"

Bella finished gulping down her bottle of water, then nodded. I couldn't see tiny Alice through the mass of bodies, but I got Emmett's attention and signaled that we were leaving. He nodded and waved before going right back to his dancing and flirting with a red-headed girl.

Bella and I walked back to her dorm, huddled in our jackets against the cold and misting rain. I was hugging Bella to my side and could feel her shivering. We had to walk across Red Square to get back to her dorm, and the rain had made it slick and treacherous, so I tightened my grip on Bella. The square had been designed so that in the event of a protest, law enforcement could simply use a hose to wet the entire area, making it slick enough that the protesters would slip and fall. Perhaps the designers didn't take into account the fact that it rains in Seattle.

Bella's feet slipped out from under her and I caught her before she hit the ground. I thought we would be okay, but then my feet began to slide, and we both went down. I instinctively pulled Bella closer to me so that I fell on the pavement and she fell on top of me.

Bella tried to keep from laughing, but lost the battle. "Are you okay?" she managed between giggles. I nodded. She climbed to her feet and I pushed myself off the ground, and we made it to her dorm without further incident.

As I closed her door behind me, we were still laughing at a girl who was drunkenly trying to open the door to her room while her roommate laughed at her from the other side. I shrugged out of my wet coat and draped it over a chair before taking Bella's coat from her and hanging it over the heating vent so that it would be dry and warm the next time she needed it.

I sat myself next to Bella on the couch and pulled her close to me. "What do you think of college life so far?"

She smiled up at me. "I think I'm going to like it here. The city seems pretty amazing. I've never really spent much time here before."

"We'll have to make sure you see the sights tomorrow."

"Yeah," she paused to yawn. "I'm excited."

"We'd better get you to bed, then!" I laughed. Before she could move, I stood and scooped her up in my arms. "We can't have you falling asleep on the bus tomorrow."

"You're not going to drive?" she asked incredulously.

I shook my head. "You're going to get the full city experience, and that includes taking the bus. Besides, finding somewhere to park at all the places we want to go would make driving an inconvenience."

I shifted her in my arms so that I could free one hand to open the door to her bedroom. It was tiny, but had the benefit of being private; Alice and Bella both had separate bedrooms. I wasn't really surprised to see that Alice had unpacked Bella's room as well, but she looked around in amazement. The bed was made, pictures and posters were hung, and Bella's clothes were put away.

"Your sister is crazy."

"Yes, well, your best friend is insane."

"She was _your_ sister before she was _my_ best friend."

And with that, I tossed Bella onto her bed and pounced on her. She laughed hysterically while I tickled her sides, which I knew was her weak spot. She fought back halfheartedly by shoving against my chest. When I stopped to give her a moment to breathe, she put her real plan into action; she kissed me. Effective technique.

I abandoned my tickling in favor of running my hands along her curves from her waist to the sides of her breasts. She tangled her fingers in my hair to pull me closer to her.

I was blissfully happy with my current position, except for the fact that my hands were trapped between our bodies. In an attempt to cure this predicament and continue my exploration of Bella's body, I made a move to flip us over so that she was on top.

To my credit, this was a new bed, and we weren't yet used to the confines of a twin-sized mattress. My miscalculation of distance landed me on the floor with an ungraceful thump.

Bella leaned halfway over the bed and stared down at me with wide eyes. Her concern lasted only seconds before her laughter won over.

Once Bella had recovered from her hysterics, we got ready for bed. I wrapped my arms around her as she cuddled against me and I could tell she was half asleep already. Moving was exhausting.

After a few minutes, her breathing was steady. She sighed and mumbled "Love you, Edward", and I was pretty sure she was already asleep. I smiled and kissed her hair as I drifted off.


	7. Move On

**Disclaimer**: All Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**Listen To:** _Here with Me by Dido_

Bella Swan  
September 10 – 20, 2012

Time passed, blurred. Losing track of time is all I ask of life. I lay in bed and hoped that time would continue to pass, and just leave me here. I didn't want to be a part of it.

I'd been having trouble wrapping my mind around this life. Was this really my life now? I didn't know how to do this. I _couldn't_ do this.

The pain was constant. It had come to the point that I couldn't foresee ever living without this jagged hole ripped out of the core of my being. The pain was a steady, rhythmic pulsing that tore through my body. No, that's not right. This wasn't just a bodily pain. It tore through my mind…

…my heart?

My soul.

Yes, that must be it.

It was all I could do to just lie there. I knew that if I moved, spoke, changed anything at all… I would scream. I was afraid to breathe too deeply, for fear that it would jar me from my hard-sought state of stillness. The stillness was what I was fighting for, and without it, I would cry and sob and scream until I tore through my own skin and burst into a million fragments, and even then it wouldn't stop.

And so I was still.

I worked hard to separate myself from any sense of time, and therefore I didn't know what percentage of it I spent in unconsciousness. The only benchmark I used to note the difference between sleep and consciousness was the sound of someone breathing as they watched over me, and the occasional sound of soft voices from outside the door.

~~***~~~***~~~

Eventually, the screaming in my head lessened. Little by little, I tested the effects of this development by trying to take a deep breath. My body ached from being in the same position, but the dull ache was actually a relief in comparison to the agonizing pain that consumed my entire existence, so I didn't move too much just yet.

At one point I woke up to Alice, armed with a glass of water and what appeared to be some kind of soup. I sat up just enough to drink the water; I hadn't noticed, but I was thirsty. I tried to lie back down, but Alice caught me and forced me to eat. It seemed I couldn't remember what the process involved, so Alice helped.

If I cared to, I could have kept track of time by counting the number of feedings I received.

My guardians continued to keep a close watch over me. The voices behind the door grew less quiet, and more strained. I heard the words "catatonic" and "hospital".

These words should have some meaning to me. I struggled to find meaning in something, _anything_. This had to be a good place to start.

So should I be concerned? Didn't catatonic mean that someone was insensitive to the world? That couldn't be me. I did not feel insensitive. Hospital was something I knew, though, and I most certainly did not want to go there.

I knew Charlie was in the room with me because of the noises he'd made when he entered, and I knew he wasn't asleep from the sound of his breathing. When I felt the shift of the mattress as he sat, I knew it was time to eat.

I sat up of my own accord.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice sounded painfully hopeful.

That was something I couldn't give him. I couldn't remember how to speak, and had no idea what I'd say. But I took the sandwich from the plate he held and ate as much as I could manage.

~~***~~~***~~~

I woke up and found myself staring at Alice, seated in the chair in my bedroom. From the light in the room, I'd guess it was early evening. Alice noticed that I was awake and I recognized the anxiety in her eyes as she perked up from her slouched position. The pull at the corners of her mouth and the dark circles under her eyes expressed her pain. It killed me.

I kept my eyes closed whenever I could. I didn't need to see this; I didn't want to be here.

The next time I opened my eyes, it was morning, and Rose had taken Alice's place. As I shuffled to the bathroom, she followed me with her eyes as if she were waiting for me to collapse, which was probably a distinct possibility.

I made it back to my bed before the collapse occurred, so I tried to make it look like I was simply lying back down. I felt like my body was going to crumble apart. I faced the wall and tried my best to look asleep while I hugged myself tightly in an attempt to prevent the complete disintegration of everything I knew.

~~~***~~~***~~~

I was vaguely aware of time passing, but I didn't care enough to wonder how long I'd been here. In fact, I'd been trying my best to keep my mind blank. It was easier to think of nothing than to think about anything.

I'd entered self-preservation mode. The best way to avoid the all-consuming, crushing pain was to think of nothing. Avoidance was my plan.

I could follow the plan as long as I kept my eyes shut, so that's what I did most of the time. Seeing the worried faces of my friends ruined the plan. Every time I opened my eyes I was met with faces full of concern mixed with hope that this time would be different, and maybe I would be different. Maybe I would be better.

I really didn't mean to worry anyone. I just couldn't bring myself to muster enough energy to speak, let alone get out of bed. My near-catatonic state had been an issue, but Alice had apparently spoken to both Jasper and Edward, who must have been able to alleviate everyone's concerns about my health.

There had been a concerted effort to never leave me alone. I was at once grateful for the support and thankful for the company, as well as saddened by their pained expressions and angry at myself for my inability to make it better. To make me better, or to make them better, I wasn't sure. Maybe both.

~~~***~~~***~~~

I opened my eyes again, and actually considered keeping them open this time. Alice must've opened the curtains to try to encourage me to get out of bed. It just proves to be careful what you wish for. She'd told me I had to sleep, so that's what I've been doing. I can't be sure how much time has passed, but probably not more than a week.

I rolled over in bed to face my rocking chair to see who my babysitter was, but the seat was surprisingly vacant. That fact alone was enough to make me sit up. No one's here?

I slid my legs over the side of the bed and took a deep breath. Getting out of bed had become an insurmountable task.

I'd finally decided that _doing_ something would be better than laying here. It had to be easier to avoid thinking while I was occupied. I was desperate for anything that would be easier, and took solace in the knowledge that at least nothing could possibly be harder.

I'd made it almost all the way down the stairs before I was overwhelmed by the now-familiar pain and panic. These episodes come and go, and I'd learned that all I have to do is survive them. I sat down on the last step and hugged my torso while trying to take deep, steady breaths. The key is to stay together, in one piece. So far I'd managed.

Once I'd recovered I continued to my destination, making my way into the kitchen. Charlie's yellow walls presented a bombardment of memories, but thankfully these memories weren't as painful as the ones that lay in my own kitchen. I shuddered. Not yet.

I sat at the kitchen table and played with my food. I poked the cereal bits around the bowl of milk until all of the rice krispies were snapping, crackling, and popping. As I was lifting the first bite to my mouth, I heard the front door open.

I braced myself as I turned in my chair. I couldn't stand any more pity right now.

But it was Edward. That, I had not expected.

He nearly stumbled when he saw me in the kitchen, but was able to recover quickly. Slowly, as if he were afraid I'd spook, he walked over and took a seat across from me at the kitchen table.

I didn't know what to say, and I wasn't entirely sure I was even capable of conversation. We held each others' gaze for what could have been several minutes. He was first to break eye contact. He rested his chin on his hand as his eyes flicked down to my bowl of cereal, then back to my face. I took the cue and returned my attention to my food.

When I'd finished my cereal, I rinsed out the bowl and placed it in the otherwise empty sink. Someone had been doing dishes, and I was sure it wasn't Charlie. I turned back to the kitchen table, but then changed my mind and returned to the sink to wash my bowl and spoon. I dried them and placed them back in their cupboard and drawer, respectively.

After that I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I sat back down and studied the pattern of the grain on the wooden table.

Edward cleared his throat. "It's good to see you -". The inflection at the end of his sentence made it sound like he was going to say more, but changed his mind.

I nodded.

The silence grew thicker the longer we sat. I could almost taste it on my tongue, and just when I thought the silence would strangle me, I was saved by the bell.

I tentatively picked up the phone and cleared my throat. My first "Hello" was a whisper, and got no response from the other end of the line, so I tried again. "Hello?" My voice sounded strange to my ears, and it must've sounded odd to Edward too, based on the look he was giving me.

"Yes, hello!" exclaimed the other side of the line. The man seemed startled by the fact that someone had answered. I suppose that's not what you expect as a daytime telemarketer. "Is Mr. Charles Swan available, please?"

I started to shake my head before realizing that non-verbal responses don't translate over the telephone. "No, he's not here right now."

"Alright, no worries, I'll call back at a more convenient time. Have a nice day!"

I hung up. Edward raised an eyebrow at me. I supposed it was probably time to talk. Or to do something. It might be time to re-enter the world.

"It's been…" I trailed off, hoping that Edward would take the hint.

"Nine and a half days," he supplied.

"That's longer than I thought." It had felt like a lifetime, but I'd known that wasn't possible, so apparently my mind had undercompensated.

"You had us worried there for awhile." I broke his gaze and dropped my eyes to the table. "Is there anything –".

"So what did I miss?" I cut him off in mid-sentence. I didn't want to hear him offer any kind of help, because I was pretty sure that there wasn't anything that anyone could do. I was in enough pain without feeling guilty; I didn't need any more pity, and I didn't want anyone to worry.

I decided then and there that I needed some semblance of normalcy. I needed to know that life had been moving on without me, and that I would need to catch up. I couldn't stay still any longer.

I pushed my chair back from the table and stood abruptly before realizing that I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to start moving. I walked into the living room and awkwardly paced back and forth between the chair and the couch a few times before taking a seat. There was nowhere to go.

Edward had followed me, and he took a seat on the opposite end of the couch. "So?" I questioned. "What's been going on?" He continued to give me an odd look. "Please, I need to know."

Something in my tone may have cued him to the fact that this was important to my current mental health, and I saw him struggling to come up with something. "Well, the Seahawks won their last game." I raised my eyebrows, and he sighed. "I don't really know, Bella, I haven't been around here much. I'm sorry, I had to work."

If he wasn't going to be any help, I'd have to figure something else out. I started to stand, but Edward grabbed my wrist and kept me seated on the couch. "Hold on, wait. I can at least tell you what I've heard from Alice's updates."

He proceeded to give me a rundown of the past nine and a half days of my life. The dark days. Listening to it was an entirely different experience from living it. I learned that it was in the first four days that Charlie and Alice had been so worried that they'd considered taking me to the hospital.

"It was really close." He dragged his fingers through his hair. "I've never seen you like that."

I didn't want to point out that I'd only come close to this kind of feeling once before. He was slumped in his seat and pinching the bridge of his nose. I hated that I was causing other people pain. I should be able to control my anguish without spilling it into other people's lives.

I offered a distraction. "So you were here? I thought you said you were working."

He met my eyes with an expression I couldn't identify. Guilt? And something else. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.

Alice and Rosalie walked in together, and it wasn't until that moment that I realized I really wanted them with me. I stood and walked to them. Rosalie was the first to break the stillness by wrapping me in a fierce hug, but seconds later we were joined by Alice. For the first time in two weeks, I began to wrap my mind around the concept of moving on with my life.


	8. Christmas Eve

**A/N: **Wow, I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've updated this story! If anyone has stuck with me this long, then HUGE thanks go out to you. If you've just now started reading, then welcome, and thanks for reading this far! Enjoy the latest installment, and reviews are always appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **All Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**Listen To: **_Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls; Fix You by Coldplay_

Bella Swan 

December 24, 2012

I hadn't realized that my iPod playlist had ended until the sound of my cell phone startled me out of my thoughts. I jumped in my seat, and had to take a moment to make sure I was still on the road. My heart was pounding, and I answered before glancing at the caller ID. "Hello?"

"Hi honey. Are you there yet? You promised to call when you got there."

"I know, I'm still on my way. There was a lot of traffic on the 101." I realized a moment too late that being a police chief would probably give Charlie better-than-average knowledge of traffic conditions, and he would know that I was lying. I hated lying to Charlie, but the lie was better than telling him that I'd started to fall apart and had ended up parked in the back of a gas station for half an hour.

"Okay, well don't talk on the phone while you're driving. Call me when you get there. I love you, Bells."

"Love you too, Dad."

I hadn't even let go of the phone before it started ringing again. "I thought I wasn't supposed to talk while I'm driving."

"Fine, I can just talk to you when you get here," Alice answered cheerily. "But when do you think that will be?"

"Sorry, I thought you were Charlie."

"I thought you would beat us, but Jasper and I just got here. Are you still on your way?"

"I'll be there in about twenty minutes," I assured.

"Okay, we'll see you then. I want to hear all about your tour!"

"Can't wait." I winced as I said it, because I knew it had come out wrong. I hadn't meant to sound snippy, but couldn't quite muster up anything else.

Alice either didn't notice or just didn't comment, but either way I was glad. "Esme says dinner will be done around 6. See you soon, love you!"

"Love you too. Bye."

I set my phone back on the seat beside me. I warily glanced back at it, wondering if it would ring again. Who else would call? Charlie was celebrating Christmas Eve on the reservation with the Clearwaters and the rest of the gang, and Alice was at Carlisle and Esme's house with the entire Cullen clan. That pretty much took care of everyone I know.

I spotted the exit that would lead to the Cullen's house and pulled off the highway, readjusting my windshield wipers to account for the lower speed. My mind slipped back into autopilot as I began to traverse the familiar roads, and I turned my attention back to dreading the rest of the day.

Today's traditional Christmas celebration would also be the first time in two and a half weeks that I would see any of my friends. December 22nd had been the official last day of the press tour for my new cookbook that had hit the shelves right after Thanksgiving. I'd spent the last 18 days flying across the country to promote it, along with my two novels. I'd flown back into Washington and arrived at Charlie's house at 1 a.m. on the 23rd.

My publishers had been willing to cancel the tour, "considering recent events". But I'd talked to Rosalie, who was also my publicist, and convinced her that I needed the distraction. I'd spent too much time pitying myself in those first two weeks, and I was ready to move on. At least in theory. In actuality, it had simply served as a distraction from having to face my life, particularly during the holidays.

Turns out, moving on with my life was harder than I thought it would be. When I convinced Rose, I had also somehow convinced myself that I was ready. And I was trying, I really was. But was it working?

No matter which city I was in, I couldn't escape what had happened. I knew that Jacob wouldn't be waiting for me when I got home. Sometimes it was all I could think about.

I shook my head in an attempt to chase the thoughts away. Thinking about it only made it worse. If I wasn't careful, the hole inside me would open up and try to eat me alive.

There wasn't a single doubt in my mind that tonight was going to be difficult. I'd finally moved back out of Charlie's house and into my own. Reentering the bedroom hadn't been as bad as I'd thought it would be, but I was sure that sleeping there tonight would be just that bad.

The memories hadn't been able to overwhelm me yet, and I was hoping to keep it that way. I wasn't so sure it was the fact that my shielding was just that good as much as it was because I'd had company when I'd reentered the house. As I was struggling to get boxes out of my car, a man stopped and offered to help. He'd been jogging by and witnessed my pathetic struggles, and spent half an hour of his Christmas Eve helping me move back in. My mysterious blond stranger was the majority of the reason I had even been able to enter the house, but I was hoping that it would get easier now that I'd survived the first trip back.

Dragged back to the present as I pulled into the Cullens' driveway, I tried to focus my energy on getting through Christmas. I would be surrounded by people I loved. I would just have to make sure I didn't focus on the one who was missing.

Before I could even get my car door open, Alice was running down the driveway toward me. She threw herself at me almost before I'd stepped foot on the ground, hugging me in the middle of the driveway even though it was snowing. She was so excited that she was practically vibrating, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Geez, Alice, can't we get inside first? It's freezing out here."

"Oh, I missed you so much!" she exclaimed. "How are you doing? How was the book tour? You went to New York, didn't you? Did you shop?" She was pulling me toward the house as she was rattling off questions, not allowing me time to answer.

"Wait, I have presents in the car…"

"Don't worry about it, we'll send the boys out to get them." She continued to tug persistently on my arm. "Come on, we're getting wet!" I rolled my eyes but followed her inside.

"Bella!" Esme greeted me with a warm smile and welcoming embrace. "I'm so glad you're here." The smells of the traditional Christmas Eve dinner wafted through the house, and already I felt more relaxed and at home.

"Dinner smells wonderful," I complimented as I pulled away from Esme to be swept into another hug by Carlisle. "I brought some dessert, but everything's still out in the car." I gestured as if to make for the door, but Jasper and Emmett beat me to it.

"Don't worry about it, you just got here. We'll bring in your things."

"Sit down, Bella," Emmett grinned on his way out the door. "Take a load off."

Carlisle helped me hang my coat in the closet before being pulled away to help Esme in the kitchen. I had successfully removed one of my snow boots and was working on the other when Emily bounded towards me. "Bella, Bella!" I had to quickly replace my foot on the floor so as to not be knocked over by the force of her hug against my legs.

I laughed and swept her into my arms to give her a proper hug. "Hello Miss Emily Emmett. Merry Christmas! Were you good this year?"

"Yep!" She nodded enthusiastically, her big blue eyes shining with excitement. Her eyes and smile were inherited from Emmett, as well as her curls, but she owed the brilliant blond color of her hair to her mother. Today her curls were pulled back with a red ribbon to complement her dress.

When I set her back on her feet, she pulled on my hand and led me over to the gigantic Christmas tree to show me all of her presents. The rest of the family bustled around us while we examined all of the brightly-wrapped packages and she pointed out each of the ones with her name on them. When that was finished, I showed her my name on one of the tags, and she went in search of my gifts. We shook some of them and she helped me guess what could be inside.

Carlisle had promised Emily that they could go outside and make snow angels before it got dark, so the two of them bundled up and trekked out into the cold. I sat on the big sectional sofa and regaled the rest of the group with stories of my press tour.

Emmett sat in a large, overstuffed armchair with his arms around Rosalie, who sat in his lap. His fingers trailed absentmindedly across her stomach and over her sides, occasionally playing with her hair, and every once in awhile she would glance across the room to the window, where Emily and Carlisle trampled through the snow. Rose had been kept apprised of my tour, considering she was my publicist, but she listened along with the rest of them.

Jasper sat against the arm of the couch opposite me with his arm around Alice. She sat with one leg tucked underneath her tiny body and one knee pulled to her chest, listening intently to my account of my trip. Of course we'd spoken over the phone, but she continued to eagerly ask questions, most of which centered around my shopping and dining experiences. She excitedly asked about various stores and shops in different cities. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything less from a person whose livelihood was based on the creation of her own fashion label.

Esme hovered between us and the kitchen, sometimes sitting in an empty chair and sometimes simply leaning on the back of the couch. Every few minutes a timer would beep or she'd think of something that needed doing, but would rejoin us when she finished in the kitchen. At one point the phone rang, and Esme rushed to answer it.

"That was Edward," she announced as she rejoined the group. "His shift ends at 4 today, so he says he should be here by 5 or so."

Once my press tour stories had concluded, Esme went to the closet and brought out the box of well-worn board games that I'd grown to view as a cornerstone of Christmas Eve. The board games were a tradition that began long before I became an adopted part of the family, as evidenced by the wear on some of the older ones. Each year a new game was added to the box.

The entire group gathered around the Cullens' large coffee table, which was the best location for playing since it was already surrounded by the couch and chairs. We pushed the table closer to the couch so that those sitting there could reach the games, and scooted the armchairs close on the opposite side.

I sat in one of the armchairs playing Chutes and Ladders, which was one of the more well-loved games in the collection. Emmett had been about to win, until he unluckily landed on one of the longest chutes on the board. He moved his piece to the bottom and pretended to pout while Rosalie laughed and swatted at his arm. He couldn't maintain his mock sadness when she leaned into him and whispered in his ear; from the look he gave her, it was probably something scandalous. Emmett's fall had opened the way for me to take the lead and win the game, and I sat back to watch the others continue.

I was perfectly content among my friends, basically my adopted family, and had a smile on my face as I basked in the love around me. The front door opened and I turned to look at it expectantly.

The smile left my face as my breath caught in my throat, and I felt as if my warm blood had turned to ice water in my veins. I don't know whether my heart had stopped beating in that moment, or whether I just hadn't noticed it, but now it was pounding as if I'd just run a mile. My breath left me in a soft gasp and I sat still, trying to compose myself before anyone noticed. Carlisle was grinning as he carried Emily through the doors and plopped her on her feet to help her dust off the snow.

Somehow, for some inexplicable reason, I had expected Jacob. It wasn't a conscious decision, but in that split-second I had turned and expected to see him stride through the door. I could picture the scene almost perfectly, now that I thought of it. I saw his wide smile and his laughing eyes as he shook the snow off of himself and shrugged out of his jacket. Then he would greet the room, come to sit on the arm of my chair. He would kiss me, briefly, and congratulate me on winning the game before making a joke about it. I could hear his deep laughter, and it was perfect.

My fingers clutched at my sides as my arms crossed over my abdomen in my effort to hold myself together. There was a reason that I tried my best not to think of Jacob too often. If I made a conscious effort, I could keep the memories vague and not as threatening. The crystal clear memories cut the deepest.

Emily and Carlisle came over to join in the play as a new game was chosen, and I took the opportunity to quietly leave my seat and slip away.

I left the sounds of laughter and family behind me as I climbed the stairs, seeking a place where I could quietly get myself together. Memories of past Christmases continued to haunt me. I had built a fortress inside my mind to keep the memories at bay, but my walls had been breached and now there was no stopping them. Jacob and I had spent Christmas at the Cullen house in the past. We'd sat in that same living room and played those same games.

I heard Carlisle's voice echoing up the stairs. "Yes, I'll get it. I'll be right back." His footsteps climbed the staircase and I quickly slipped into the nearest room, not wanting to be noticed.

I inhaled deeply and let out my breath in a sigh, leaning against the back of Edward's bedroom door. The room looked the same as it always had. I found it comforting that after more than 10 years, nothing in this room had changed.

My fingers ran lightly over the spines of Edward's books as I fought to continue taking even breaths. My exhales were becoming increasingly shaky as my body succumbed to the sobs that I'd been managing to hold at bay. Perusing titles of books we'd read in high school, I tried to force my mind into becoming distracted, but none of the usual tactics were working.

Sinking to the floor, I leaned against Edward's bed and lowered my head to rest on my knees. What is wrong with me?

I've been trying so hard to keep myself together, and I thought I was getting better, I really did. But this evening all my hopes were smothered. I'd let my guards down, and the pain had gotten through. Would I ever be able to relax again, without being stricken with these moments of forgetfulness?

Because as it turns out, remembering isn't the real problem. Forgetting is. Memories of mine and Jacob's life together don't cut nearly as deep as the moments when I actually _forget_ that he's gone. Jacob walking through the door as we played Chutes and Ladders was not a memory, it was what _could_ have been.

I heard someone enter the room, hesitate, and close the door softly behind them. I turned my head away and swiped quickly at my face to clear away the tears, automatically bracing myself for an act. I felt like I was always acting these days.

My eyes were closed in an attempt to prevent more tears from escaping, and I felt the intruder sit down beside me. The bulk of the body told me it wasn't Alice, but I also didn't smell Rosalie's perfume… I opened my eyes to meet Edward's.

"What happened?"

The lump in my throat grew bigger, and I could only shrug my shoulders as more tears trailed their way down my cheeks. What could I say? I was having fun, and momentarily forgot that I have a dead husband?

Edward waited patiently with concerned eyes as I breathed deeply and got myself under control. "Esme says dinner is almost finished. Are you ready to go downstairs?"

I took one more deep breath. "I'll try."

"I've seen you trying. I don't think I've ever seen anyone try so hard. But something has to change, Bella."

"Well what do you want me to do? I'm here, I just don't know what to do."

"You're here, but you're not. It's like you're broken." He pulled away and averted his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't know how to fix it."

"Me neither. But I'm no quitter."

Edward stood and began pulling clothes out of a duffel bag he'd placed on the bed, and I hid in the bathroom while he changed out of his hospital scrubs. I rinsed my face and blinked away the redness from my eyes before heading down to rejoin the family and take a seat around the dinner table. Alice shot me a knowing and concerned look, but other than that my absence went unnoticed, or at least tactfully ignored.

I pasted what I hoped would pass as a smile on my face and picked at what was on my plate without really tasting it. Listening to the friendly banter around me, I thought about what Edward had said, and he was right. Something had to change. I can't act my way through the rest of my life.

I helped Alice and Edward clear the dishes and get dessert out of the fridge and pour some wine. Emily was asleep upstairs, and the rest of the Cullens chatted easily at the table as we passed out plates.

Emmett dramatically cleared his throat once all of us were reseated around the table. "Rosalie and I have an announcement to make." He grinned across the table at his wife.

"I'm pregnant," announced a beaming Rosalie.

I gasped, and the smile on my face wasn't the least bit forced. "Oh, Rose, congratulations!" I exclaimed, amidst many other cries of joy and surprise.

"The baby's due at the end of June!"

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Esme asked anxiously. "Are you going to find out beforehand?"

Emmett nodded. "We have an appointment next week, we'll find out then." He was grinning from ear to ear, and stood up to receive a hug and a slap on the back from Jasper.

I stood and walked around the table to join Alice and Rosalie in their hug, and now I wasn't the only one with tears in my eyes.


	9. Over My Head

**A/N:** Don't fret, another chapter has arrived! I just can't seem to get this story out of my head, so updates are coming, they're just a little slow in the making. Stay with me!

**Disclaimer: **All Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**Listen To:** _Over My Head (Cable Car) by The Fray_

Edward Cullen

March 19, 2006

_Shit._

The last time I glanced at the clock it read 3:25, and somehow it is now 6:49 and I was supposed to meet Bella at 6:30. I hate to leave a mess for the library staff, but there was no time to reshelve the books I'd been using.

After hastily packing up my textbooks and computer and nearly wiping out a guy as I rushed down the stairs, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to tell Bella I'm going to be late. Two missed calls from Bella, a voicemail, and two text messages. _Double shit_.

I checked my voicemail on the way to my car and my woes increased. "Hey, it's me." Bella sounded distressed and I broke into a jog, hoping to somehow defy the laws of physics and make it there on time. "I'm at a client's event in Maple Leaf, and my truck won't start. Um… I was going to see if you could come pick me up. Angela already left, and Alice has late classes today. So, I guess just give me a call when you get this message. Love you, bye."

_Damn_. I didn't even remember feeling my phone vibrate. I checked the ringer and it was indeed on silent. There was another call from Bella about twenty minutes after the first, but no message. I whipped out of the parking lot and nearly hit a pedestrian since I was reading a text message while driving. Bad, I know.

_From: Bella_

_5:12 pm_

_Hey, I called a tow truck from Roadrunner. Maybe you could pick me up there?_

Shit, damn, fuck. I have no idea where that place is… that was more than an hour ago…

_From: Bella_

_5:47 pm_

_I got a ride, so ignore my messages, I'll just meet you at home at 6:30 as planned. See you then!_

The clock on the dashboard was mocking me, boasting of the time being 7:02.

I pulled up to the curb in front of Bella's house at 7:13. Not bad, all things considered, but certainly not good either. I bounded up the steps and knocked quickly before letting myself in. I'd learned the hard way that not knocking could result in seeing my sister fooling around on the couch with a shirtless stranger, and I'd already been scarred enough for one lifetime.

"Bella?"

"Hey, I'm upstairs!"

I climbed the stairs for her room and found her sitting at her desk with her planner open in front of her. I'd offered to get her a Blackberry once her catering service began to pick up, but she refused.

"Are you okay?" I demanded, looking her up and down for any apparent signs of damage. "I'm so sorry I didn't get your messages until just a minute ago, I was in the library and my phone was on silent instead of vibrate, and …"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down!" She smiled and stood to take my hands. "I'm fine, no harm done. I don't know if I can say the same about my truck. Jacob said they should know by tomorrow what the prognosis will be."

"Oh, who cares about the truck, that thing is ancient and I've been wanting you to get something more stable for years. But how did you get home?" Once assured that Bella was in one piece, my thoughts slowed down and I started to process. "Wait, did you say Jacob? What does he have to do with anything?"

She laughed. "Knowing a mechanic does come in handy in situations like these. He's the one who took me home."

Now there's trouble. See what happens, Edward? Miss your girlfriend's calls, and some other guy is just waiting in the wings, ready to take your place.

"Doesn't that kid drive a motorcycle now?" As soon as the words left my mouth, the horrific realization dawned. "Wait a minute, you're not saying you rode on that thing?" No answer. "Tell me you didn't, Bella! He _just_ got that bike, does he even know how to drive it? And he got it because _he crashed his car_! You actually got onto a moving vehicle with him?"

She rolled her eyes at my concern. "Okay, he wrecked his car in a ditch more than six months ago, and it's because he was trying to drive home during a snowstorm. It was totally and completely not his fault. The police at the scene, and even my dad, said there was nothing he could've done."

All I could do for a moment was stand there and try to reattach my lower jaw, but Bella just laughed it off as if she didn't see anything wrong with the situation.

"I can't believe you would do that!" The shock was wearing off and anger was setting in. "Do you not realize how dangerous those things are, Bella? I can't even tell you the number of cases I've heard about. Countless numbers of patients have come in critically injured and have even _died_ from motorcycle crashes!"

"I know that, but –"

"Do you? Do you really understand?" I shook my head. "I can't believe I let you drive that truck for this long. That piece of scrap metal should've been replaced years ago."

"What do you mean, _let_ me drive it? It's my truck, you had no say in the matter." Bella was being as obstinate as ever, and I could see the anger flare in her eyes.

"I've told you a hundred times, and my parents have told you, that we'd love to get you a new car."

She sighed. "And every single time, I've told you I don't want you to buy me a car! I _like_ my truck, and I can take care of myself!"

"Well apparently that's arguable! Look at what's happened here. I just can't believe you would be so reckless. I mean, what about Jacob? How well do you even know this guy, and you let him drive you home?"

"I've known him for a year now! He's my friend, I trust him."

I sighed and turned around to try to calm myself, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I wish you hadn't done this. You should've just waited for me to come get you."

Bella grabbed my arm and turned me to face her, and now I could see the indignation and anger written all over her face. "I _did_ wait for you! I waited for forty-five minutes before I called a tow truck! And _then_ I waited another half an hour for you to come pick me up at the garage! You never even called me back, Edward! How long was I supposed to wait?"

"I was at the library, and my phone was on silent! I didn't get your messages, and as soon as I did I rushed over here!"

"Well a lot of good that did! Too little, too late."

"I was studying! If I'm going to graduate on time, then-"

"Oh, I know! You need to work non-stop now so that you can graduate in three years! I've heard of nothing else for the past year and a half! I hardly see you anymore, Edward! And Jacob-"

"So now we're back to Jacob! This kid is all I hear about from you lately! I don't like him, Bella. I don't think he's good for you."

"That's not for you to decide! It's not any of your concern who I hang out with or who my friends are! Especially since you're never even around anymore!"

"I'm here now."

"Well maybe you shouldn't be!"

I turned on my heel and let myself out of her bedroom, using more force than was probably necessary to shut the door behind me. I was grinding my teeth so hard I could hear them squeak as I stormed down the stairs.

Was it really so wrong of me to be concerned for my girlfriend's safety? To want to be the one she turns to for help? I don't think that's too much to ask!

"Way to go, brother."

I spun around to find my sister perched on the kitchen island, glaring at me. Great. Fantastic. Just what I needed.

"Not now, Alice."

"Is this really about Bella's safety?"

"It's none of your business," I growled.

She shrugged calmly. "It's not my fault you two were shouting so loudly. I think this is really just about you feeling threatened by Jacob. Is that why you're getting so worked up over this?"

I glared at her. "No. _Should_ I be feeling threatened?"

Alice just rolled her eyes and hopped off the counter. "You know that Bella doesn't even _see_ any other guy but you. At least not in that way." She paused, probably trying to gauge my reaction. "She's right, you know. We haven't seen you around much."

"I don't need this from you too, Alice!"

She raised her eyebrows at me, then just shook her head and turned away, heading upstairs.

What the hell? I know I've been busy lately, but does that mean I forfeit all my rights over to Jacob? I stomped back out to my car and violently shoved my key into the ignition and sped away down the street, not knowing what my destination was.

I was speeding through the streets of town, and was so distracted that I almost didn't notice the red light. I slammed on the brakes and squealed to a stop, then took a deep breath to try to force myself to relax.

My phone began to ring, and I pulled it out of my pocket and glanced at the caller ID.

"What is it, Emmett?"

"What the hell, man?"

He sounded pissed. Wonderful. "What's up?"

"Don't play coy with me, Edward. Why'd you go off on Bella?"

I sucked in another long breath of air and let it out slowly. "Alice?"

"Yeah, she texted me. She's with Bella now, who is pretty upset by the way. So I repeat, what the hell?"

"Did she tell you the whole story?" My siblings should really just mind their own business. _I _am Bella's boyfriend, and they are my family. Aren't they supposed to be on _my_ side?

"She said that Bella's truck broke down, and she called you but you didn't answer, so she rode home with Jacob."

"On his _motorcycle_!"

"… So?"

"Does no one but me understand how dangerous those things are? And I'm not at all confident in that kid's driving abilities, either!"

"Yeah, sure. What's this really about?"

"Why doesn't anyone believe that I could actually be _concerned_ about Bella's well-being? She doesn't have the greatest track record with staying in one piece, and I don't like her hanging out with this guy! I don't like him for her, he's too dangerous."

"Jacob is about as dangerous as you are," he scoffed.

I glanced down at the steadily climbing speedometer and let off the gas just a bit. "That doesn't make me feel any better."

"Come on, Edward, I know what you're thinking about Jacob, and you've got nothing to worry about there. They're just friends. What I _would _worry about is the fact that your girlfriend is at home crying over you right now. Go take care of it." And with that he hung up.

"What the _fuck_!" I growled and threw my phone with all the strength of my frustration against the passenger side window, where it smashed and fell to the floorboard in pieces. _This is fucking ridiculous!_

I was silently seething as I unconsciously made my way out of town and left paved roads behind me. The increasing absence of evidence of human life helped to calm me, and I continued to breathe deeply as trees whirred past outside the windows. The scenery was familiar; I guess I was headed for the meadow.

What little sunlight was left was quickly receding behind the horizon, and the temperature continued to drop by the minute. It was as if my anger were being sapped away with the last remaining heat of this sucky day. As I reached the end of the path, at the point where we'd usually get out and begin to hike, I put the car in park.

"What the hell am I doing?" The trees didn't provide an answer.

Thirty minutes later, I once again found myself on the front step of Bella's house. I knocked quickly and let myself in, and was greeted with a completely neutral look from Alice.

"I'm sorry."

She nodded. "Good. Now go tell _her_."

"I will, but I didn't mean for her. I'm sorry for yelling at you."

She pursed her lips for a moment, apparently considering, and then smiled. "I forgive you. Now you just have to hope Bella will."

"How big of an ass was I, on a scale from one to ten?"

"Fourteen."

I nodded. "Good to know."

"She's in her room."

I steeled myself for my task as I knocked softly on her bedroom door. "Bella? It's me."

If I didn't already feel terrible enough for my apparent overreaction, seeing Bella like this would've done me in. She'd obviously been crying, and I could see her guarded expression, as if she were preparing herself for another fight.

I immediately wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. "I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered. At first she was unresponsive, but I continued murmuring my apologies into her ear. "Sorry, Bella, I'm sorry."

She pressed her cheek to my chest and hugged me back. "I'm sorry, too," she mumbled.

I pulled back to look at her, and wiped away fresh tears trailing their way down her face. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I overreacted, and I'm so sorry. You're right, I've been spending way too much time studying-"

She interrupted me, shaking her head fiercely. "No, no, you need to study in order to get accepted into the med program, and I understand that." She sighed. "I just miss you."

"I miss you too," I mumbled, relieved. I leaned in closer for a kiss, and mumbled against her lips. "Can you forgive me?"

Her only answer was a scorching kiss. She tangled her fingers in my hair and wrapped her legs around my waist as I closed the door behind us.


	10. A Life Remodeled

**Disclaimer: **All Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**Listen To: **_Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick_

Bella Swan

March 10, 2013

"Don't be ridiculous. There's no way that's happening, not on my watch."

"Oh, it's happening. I don't care what you think, you can complain all you want, but it's _so_ happening."

"I won't allow it."

"What are you planning on doing about it, huh? There's nothing you can do to stop me."

"I'll scream, I swear I will!"

"Scream all you want, girlie, but that's not gonna do you any good."

"I'll tackle the waitress if she comes anywhere near this table with chocolate cake!"

Emmett laughed. "Go for it, I'd like to see that! I'll just grab the cake before it comes crashing down, and you two can wrestle around on the floor as long as you'd like."

Alice rolled her eyes. "And just how do you think you're going to manage that? Your cake will be ruined, that's the whole point!"

"I've got the reflexes of a cat." To prove his point, he grabbed his straw and flicked water across the table at his sister.

I sighed and shook my head, smiling at Jasper as he quietly ordered both the chocolate cake and the cheesecake from the waitress, who quite frankly was looking a bit frightened by what she'd just walked in on. The arguing duo didn't seem to notice, and it looked as if the water fight was about to escalate as Alice was gripping both hers and Jasper's glasses of water with white knuckles.

"How about the apple cobbler?" They both looked at me incredulously, but for just long enough for their spouses to casually slide away the more dangerous of the utensils. Whatever trouble they could get into with spoons was up to them to control.

At the opposite end of the table, Esme turned to Carlisle. "We really can't take them anywhere, can we? And on your birthday, no less…" She shook her head in mock disappointment.

"Sorry, Mom," they mumbled in unison.

With the commotion over for the moment, I turned my attention back to my own end of the table. Edward, across from me, had been entertaining Emily while her father was otherwise occupied. "But if it's Grampa's birthday, he gets to pick what's for dessert, right?"

"That's right, but your Daddy and Alice like to make things difficult for Grandpa. And the rest of us."

She nodded sagely, as if she knew that made all the sense in the world, then perked up. "So when it's my birthday, I get to pick what's for dessert, right?"

Edward seemed to consider for a moment. "I guess so. When's your birthday?"

"Tomorrow!" she exclaimed.

"What?" he gasped, prompting more giggles from Emily. "Oh no, what am I going to get you for a present? Bella, did you know that Emily's birthday is _tomorrow_?"

"Gee, I sure didn't. I must've forgotten."

"No you didn't!" she squealed. "You know my birthday!"

"How old are you going to be?" I inquired.

"Four!"

"And what do four-year-olds like to get as presents for their birthdays?" While Emily began listing present ideas, ranging from a whale stuffed animal to a castle, the waitress arrived with the desserts and set them in the middle of the table before quickly backing away. I didn't blame her.

Emmett and Alice each dove into their respective favorite dishes. I hung back while the rest of the gang dished up servings onto their plates, because I knew better than to put any of my appendages too close to Emmett while he was eating cake. Rosalie gave Emily a sliver of cake, which she promptly proceeded to eat. I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree.

As everyone pulled back from the center of the table to eat their dessert, I made a move to grab some of whatever was left, but was interrupted by a plate of cake being set in front of me. "I made sure you got some of the ice cream, too." I smiled approvingly at Edward.

Once the cakes were consumed and the waitress had sent another unsuspecting employee to drop off the check, the evening began to wind down. Despite the sugar she'd just practically inhaled, Emily was beginning to yawn, and Emmett and Rosalie were the first to leave the restaurant, while the rest of us made our way to the parking lot together.

"I'm parked back this way," I called. "Happy birthday again, Carlisle." I hugged him, and was consequently pulled into hugs by Esme and then Alice.

I heard choruses of "Bye Bella" and "Drive safe" as I turned to head towards my car, and then heard "See ya Edward" and glanced over my shoulder to see him following in the same direction.

He jogged a couple steps to catch up and walk beside me. "I think I'm in the spot right next to you. Do you still drive your Mazda?"

"Yep." We walked a few more steps and in dread of the awkward silence I added, "For now, anyway." I mentally cringed, knowing the question that would follow.

"Looking for a new car?" he asked as I began to dig my keys out of my purse.

I didn't exactly want to foreclose the reasons behind my recent half-hearted attempts at car shopping. We paused when we reached the vehicles, and I hurried to try to finish the conversation. "I, uh... it's a lease. Three years, so, um, it's up soon." _Liar… _

"Oh, ok." Edward pulled his car keys from his pocket. "Well, you know we're here if you want any help looking."

I forced a smile. I was genuinely appreciative of the offer, but it was a touchy subject. "Thanks, I'll let you know."

He gave a half-smile and looked down for a moment before meeting my eyes again. "Alright, well … you have my number."

"I do."

"See you around, Bella."

I purposefully took a few steps back toward the driver's side of my car while he was speaking, before we could reach the awkward to-hug-or-not-to-hug portion of the goodbyes.

I let him pull out of his parking spot first while I queued up a playlist on my iPod and plugged it into the stereo. I sighed, relieved at having avoided the answer to his question. The real reason I was beginning the process of replacing my car was because I was in the process of replacing my everything.

I hadn't realized I was making the decision not to take the freeway until I found myself making the left-hand turn that would take me home the long way. The clock read 8:27, which meant rush hour was long-since over, but I didn't really mind an extra thirty minutes for the commute. I was in no hurry to get home.

It had just started a few weeks ago. I'd arrived home from a catering event, had washed my face and brushed my teeth and climbed into bed with a book. I found myself wishing I could take a nice relaxing bath, but I knew that I couldn't. The spare bathroom has a shower, and no tub. The only bathtub in the house was in the master bath, which I never use anymore. The entire master suite had sat empty and unused since my first night back in the house, on Christmas. I'd spent half of a restless night in that bed before grabbing my pillow and moving to the spare bedroom, and that's where I'd been sleeping ever since.

I became inexplicably frustrated at not being able to take a bath. No, frustrated wasn't the word… I was furious. I'd stormed into the master suite and surveyed the room. It really wasn't much of a master, anyway; the room itself was no bigger than the spare bedroom, it just had a bathroom attached to it. Which also shared a wall with the spare room.

I went out to the garage, still in my pajamas and bare feet, and grabbed a sledgehammer. I used it to punch a hole through the bathroom wall. I went back into the spare room and went to bed, and the next day I called a contractor.

My house was basically being gutted, and had been crawling with construction workers ever since. The finish date was supposed to be next Friday, but that was seeming increasingly less likely as the days went on. I was still sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was separated from the rest of the house by sheets of plastic since it was the only room not being demoed.

I was pretty sure that sleeping on the couch was the culprit for the neck pain I'd been having, and I wasn't really in a hurry to get home to it. It was a comfortable couch, just not meant to be slept on for weeks on end.

As a song on my iPod was ending and the silence stretched before the next song began, I heard a groaning noise emanating from my car. I turned off the stereo volume and listened as the groaning became louder and was accompanied by rattling, and before long the car started to shake as if I were driving over gravel, which was not the case.

Glad at the moment for not having taken the freeway, I pulled over to the shoulder of the road under a streetlamp to check things out. I got out and inspected the tires, which all looked normal. "Oh, who am I kidding…" I mumbled to myself in the darkness. I couldn't detect any odd tire protuberances, but that was about the extent of my car knowledge. I'd have to call Sam in the morning to have him check it out.

I sighed and climbed back into the driver's seat and turned the key. And nothing happened. Again… same result. "Shit!" A voice in the back of my head told me that's what I got for lying to Edward about my reasons for needing a new car. Karma's a bitch. I'd just have to call Sam tonight.

I dug through my purse to find my cell phone and tried dialing Sam's number, but nothing happened. It was dead. "Shit!" I shouted again. My voice echoed in the small car and I was suddenly more aware that there were very few cars driving by on the road.

I continued to press random buttons on my cell phone in a futile attempt to make it regain life, but I distinctly remembered the blinking alarm clock this morning signaling that the power had gone out last night. My phone must not have charged all the way. I tried not to panic.

"Dammit!" I cried. I locked my door and glanced around to make sure all the others were locked as well, feeling very exposed. What were my options? I could walk the 5 miles back to the city to find a phone, in the dark, by myself, and probably be murdered… Or I could walk to the freeway and try to flag down a stranger, in the dark, by myself, and probably be murdered…

I turned the key again and cursed my lack of mechanical knowledge. I knew it couldn't be the battery, but that was all I knew. If only -

I tried to stop that thought before it finished, but didn't quite make it. If only Jacob were here.

My breath caught in my throat, but I forced myself to let it out slowly. I'd been doing better, I really had. I could think about him now. I was healing, according to Alice and Rose. I even had Jasper's stamp of approval, and he was a professional therapist. It still hurt, though, and sitting alone in the dark at the side of the road, I thought I was allowed some self-pity. It was a pretty pitiful situation I'd gotten myself into.

We'd bought this car together. It wasn't long after we'd made the transition from friends to more-than-friends, and I remembered feeling uncomfortable when the salesman had assumed we were husband and wife. Of course Jacob thought it was great fun and played along, forcing me to pretend with him. He'd kept exaggerating, calling me terms of endearment. 'Look _honey-bun_', and 'Come here, _sweetums'_. I made a gagging face at him when the salesman wasn't looking, and he laughed…

I was torn out of my reverie by a knock on the drivers' side window of my car. I screamed and jumped in my seat, shying away from the door and trying to get a look at whoever was outside. A blond man moved so he was standing in the light of the streetlamp and my headlights, hands held up to make himself look harmless. "Sorry!" he called, his voice muffled from outside the car. "I didn't mean to scare you! Do you need help?"

I considered for a moment. It didn't seem like a great idea to open my door to a strange man in a secluded place at night, but then again, what other options did I have? As I thought about it, I looked closer at the man. He looked familiar.

I stepped out of the car, standing behind the open door and using it as a shield, as if it would do me any good. A cold breeze swept across my face, and I hadn't realized until that moment that I'd been crying. I swiped quickly at my eyes to clear away the tears.

The man took a small step closer but stopped, probably not wanting to seem threatening. "Are you okay?"

I ignored his question, as I often tried to lately whenever I was asked that. It depended on your definition of okay. "Do I know you?" I countered instead. He took another step closer and it suddenly hit me. "You helped me move in! On Christmas Eve, I remember you, you helped me move my boxes back into my house!"

The man had moved closer, and he tilted his head to one side. "That's right, I do remember you! Wow, small world, huh? Well hey, are you going home? I live close to there, I can drive you."

I took a deep breath. On the one hand, the thought of me getting into a car with a stranger would probably give my police chief father a heart attack. On the other hand … I'd really like to get home. I'd reopened some old wounds tonight, unexpectedly. I was getting better at the Jacob stuff, but that didn't mean it didn't still hurt. As if to prove a point, another tear trailed its way down my cheek as I angrily wiped it away.

The man must've noticed my hesitation, because he quickly added, "You can use my cell phone if you want, to call a tow truck or something…"

I shook my head, decision made. "No, it's ok, I'd just like to go home."

He smiled, and led the way to his vehicle, which he'd parked behind mine on the side of the road. It just showed how out of it I must have been, to have not noticed another set of headlights pull up behind me.

I did take him up on his offer of a phone, though, and called Sam on the way home. My car really couldn't sit there all night long, and this way at least Sam would know where I was if I were murdered and left in a ditch.

Luckily it turned out that wasn't necessary. The man was a gentleman, and I arrived safe and sound back at home. He stopped his truck at the curb. "Well, here you go."

I turned to him and smiled as I took off my seatbelt. "Thank you so much for your help. Again."

He chuckled. "My pleasure. I'm here for whatever assistance you may require. If you don't mind my asking… what's going on in there?"

I laughed. The house did look like a mess, with construction equipment littering the yard and a ladder and plastic sheets clearly visible through the front window. "Lots of construction. I'm remodeling my life."

"Old life was becoming too boring for you, was it?" he joked.

"My husband died 6 months ago." I gulped. I was completely unsure of why on earth I was telling this to a stranger when I hadn't even told Alice or Rosalie. Not even my father knew I was remodeling the house. "I just decided it was time for a change, I guess…" I looked away from his face and down at my hands in my lap.

To my surprise, he reached over and laid his hand over mine. "I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I know it's hard. I lost my fiancé a few years ago."

Tears welled up in my eyes for the second time that night. I don't know why that statement affected me so much… it was just so sad. "I'm sorry." A tear started to fall and he swept it away with his thumb. I pulled away and blinked away my tears, laughing at myself. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I don't know why I'm so emotional tonight."

"Just get some sleep, and I'm sure you'll feel better." I grabbed my purse and opened the door, climbing out of the car. "Bye, Bella," he called. "I'm sure we'll see each other again soon, the way things are going."

"I'll try not to need too much help next time. Thank you so much …" I paused. "I don't even know your name."

He smiled. "I'm James."

We said goodbye, and he waited until I'd unlocked my front door and safely closed it behind me before he drove away. For the first time in weeks, I was asleep as soon as I lay down.


	11. The Things Unsaid

**Disclaimer: ** All Twilight characters and settings were created by Stephenie Meyer.

**A/N: **I know this story has gone on quite awhile … what can I say? It's still in my head. I'm really going to try to kick it out, and hopefully you'll see some more regular updates. Yaayy! We're coming up on one of the moments you've all been waiting for, so stick with me here! And as always, remember: reviews are to authors as food is to … well, everyone. Please feed me.

**Listen To: **_Unsaid by The Fray, Never Say Never by The Fray_

Edward Cullen

February 10, 2007

"Come on man, rip 'em open. Just like a bandaid, get it over with quick."

I glanced at my brother quickly before returning my gaze to the pile of unopened envelopes sitting in front of me. Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend since New Year's Eve, was perched on his lap in their seat across the table. Bella sat next to me, smiling supportively. I sighed, running my hand through my hair. If only it were like the old days, when you could tell whether or not you got accepted to a school from the size of the envelope. But no, everything was online these days, so the envelopes are the same size whether they're accepting or rejecting you.

"This is what you've been waiting for," Bella encouraged. "Do you want me to open them?"

I nodded. She reached for the first envelope and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I heard the paper tearing open. I heard crinkling sounds as she opened the letter, and then several moments of silence stretched. "What, what is it?" I demanded impatiently.

I opened my eyes and saw her smiling and my heartbeat picked up in anticipation. "Mr. Cullen," she read, grinning from ear to ear. "We are pleased to offer you acceptance-"

She was cut off by Emmett's boisterous "Whoo-hoo! Hell yeah, man!"

I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. At least I knew I had _somewhere _to go after graduation in 3 months. "Where?" I asked, holding out my hand for the letter.

Bella handed it to me, grinning, as she answered. "University of Washington!"

I stared at the paper, not quite believing it. After three years of hard work, late nights, and missing my girlfriend… all the long hours of studying had finally paid off. The University of Washington's medical studies was a great program, and it meant I could stay in Seattle with my family, with Bella…

"Congratulations," Rosalie added enthusiastically once Emmett had released her from a display of affection that was, in my opinion, a little too much considering their current company.

"Open the rest!" Emmett cried, grabbing another envelope and ripping into it. I stared at him in dismay as his expression fell.

"What? Where is that from?"

"Sorry, bro," he sighed, shaking his head. "It looks like you're going to have some tough decisions to make, because you're wanted everywhere!" he shouted, now laughing. "University of Pennsylvania, bitches!" he wooped, throwing the letter down on the table.

Bella jumped out of her seat and pulled me up with her, hugging me tightly and laughing uncontrollably. She grabbed another envelope and tore into it. "Mr. Cullen, we are pleased to welcome you…" She let out a wordless shriek of excitement. "Duke University!"

Before she'd even finished, Emmett had grabbed another envelope and handed one to Rosalie while he opened his. "Harvard! Harvard, Edward, holy shit!" I laughed and held my hand out for the letter, not believing my ears.

At the same time, Rosalie was reading the letter she'd opened. "University of California at San Francisco wants you, my friend!" she exclaimed. Bella had run around the table to read over her shoulder and hugged her, both of them squealing for joy.

I just couldn't believe this. I stared at the one envelope left lying on the table, knowing the one name I hadn't heard yet and the last place I'd applied. I grabbed it and carefully slid my finger along the envelope. I unfolded the letter and Bella stared at me as I scanned the page. I looked up and met her eyes, grinning. "Johns Hopkins…"

She screamed, her eyes sparkling, and ran towards me. I caught her in a hug and she wrapped her legs around me as we clung to each other and laughed. "Oh my gosh!" she cried. "Congratulations, I'm so proud of you!"

When I replaced her on her feet, Emmett slapped me on the back. "I'm proud of you, little bro. Graduating in three years, accepted to the top med schools in the country..." He pretended to consider for a moment. "Hey dial it back a bit, will you, because you're making me look bad. It took me the full four years. Assuming I even graduate this year." Rosalie swatted his arm.

I grinned. "Yeah, sure Emmett. Thanks."

Rosalie hugged me. "Congratulations again, Edward."

Bella insisted I call my parents right away, and I complied while she took turns smiling happily by my side and dancing around the room with Rose and Emmett. I listened to Esme's praise and had to pull the phone away from my ear while she yelled for Carlisle. They put the phone on speaker so they could both congratulate me.

Emmett and Rosalie disappeared to his room, and Bella pressed herself against me and stood on her tiptoes so she could hear my parents' congratulations. For the most part Esme and Carlisle were talking excitedly amongst themselves, and I took the opportunity to kiss Bella full on the mouth. I'd meant it to be quick and chaste, but she pulled me back and kissed me properly before pulling away. She looked up and grinned wickedly at me, pressed against me in such a way that she could no doubt feel the reaction she was causing.

She took pleasure in distracting me for the rest of the conversation, sneaking kisses that required me to hold the phone away at arm's length while my parents talked. I was happy to play along until it escalated to the point that I had to grab her wrists to keep her from rubbing me through my jeans. I raised my eyebrows at her in warning, then realized that the jabbering from the phone had quieted. I cleared my throat and put the phone back to my ear to mumble an affirmative to whatever question they must've asked while Bella walked away laughing.

Emmett and Rosalie left soon after to make their dinner reservation. When the front door closed I turned back to Bella, who was sitting on the couch with her chin in her hand, smiling up at me. I chuckled and shook my head in disbelief.

"You've got some decisions to make, Mr. Cullen." She walked over to where I was still standing and wrapped her arms around my shoulders while I automatically placed my hands on her hips. "The world is your oyster." She grinned.

I laughed at her cheesiness. "I still can't believe this. UW, yes, and even Duke, sure. But Harvard? Johns Hopkins?"

"I knew you would do it."

I closed my eyes and rested my lips against her hair, inhaling the scent of her. My heart was still beating faster than normal from all the excitement.

"What are you going to do?" she asked softly.

Truthfully, I had no idea. I had hoped, but I'd never actually expected to gain acceptance everywhere I applied. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew what I wanted right then. Instead of answering, I hooked my fingers under Bella's chin and tilted her head toward me for a scorching kiss. I pulled her closer and could feel her heartbeat echoing mine.

She broke away so we could catch our breath and frantically pulled up the hem of my tshirt. She couldn't get it past my arms since my hands were busy trying to remove her own clothing. I gripped my tshirt at the neckline and pulled it up over my head and tossed it behind me. Bella's shirt had joined mine on the floor and she was shimmying out of her jeans. She grinned up at me and impatiently kicked them off her legs before capturing my lips with hers once more.

With one hand tangled in her hair and the other rising up to massage her breast, I elicited a small moan by biting her lower lip. She pulled back, breathing heavily and gazing up at me through her eyelashes. Her eyes were dark with arousal. She started placing kisses down my chest, but I had other plans. Without warning I threw her over my shoulder in a fireman's carry and she yelped in surprise. I smacked her ass as I turned and carried her towards the bedroom while she laughed.

Edward Cullen

May 19, 2007

"Edward Anthony Cullen." I walked across the stage to accept my diploma, shaking hands with the Dean. At the announcement of "Emmett McCarty Cullen", my brother followed close behind, grinning. He hammed it up for the crowd, waving and giving a mock bow to the audience before turning for his handshake. Before I exited the stage, I searched the audience for my family and Bella, and shot them a grin.

When the ceremony was finished we fought our way through the mass of people. Emmett grabbed Rosalie and dipped her in a dramatic movie-moment kiss. That's newlyweds for you. They'd eloped on April 21 with family and close friends in attendance, and took a three-day weekend honeymoon to Vegas.

My eyes met Bella's, but before I could make it to her I was swept into hugs by Esme, Carlisle, and finally Alice. My family gave me their congratulations, as did Jasper, Alice's boyfriend. He was a grad student at UW studying psychotherapy who'd met Alice at a coffee house, and they'd been inseparable ever since.

As soon as I was released, Bella ran over and grabbed my graduation gown in her fists, pulling me to her. She stood on her tiptoes to whisper fiercely in my ear. "I am _so_ proud of you."

The whole clan made our way back to our vehicles, each of us paired off. I walked hand-in-hand with Bella and watched my parents, glowing with pride. Esme leaned her head against Carlisle's shoulder in contentment. I looked down at Bella and saw her watching them also, and she smiled up at me. We were approaching my parents' car, and we paused to figure out the logistics of where and when we were meeting for dinner.

I spoke softly to Bella while Alice and Emmett bickered over whether we were going to eat Italian or Chinese. "Did you know that Esme moved to Boston to be with Carlisle while he was studying at Harvard?"

The smile fell from Bella's face as she looked up at me and I could easily read the disappointment and resignation in her eyes. She pulled her hand away from mine and went to support Alice in the fight for Italian food. I sighed, regretting that I'd brought it up on graduation day. It was such a touchy subject with us lately that I should've known better and just left it alone.

Italian food won the vote, since Emmett was outnumbered by Alice, Bella, and Rosalie. I was talking with Carlisle about the new leasers we'd found for the house in Seattle and when I turned to find Bella to head to our car, she was nowhere to be seen. I said a hasty goodbye to my parents while they climbed into their car. "See you at the restaurant."

I anxiously started out in the direction of where I'd parked the car earlier in the afternoon. The sun had set and the light was rapidly disappearing beyond the horizon, and I walked faster in an effort to catch up to Bella. When I spotted her up ahead walking down the side of the road, I broke into a light jog until I was beside her. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "It's dark out, you shouldn't be walking out here by yourself."

"And just what _am_ I qualified to do by myself?"

I sighed, running my hand through my hair. I wished I hadn't said anything about grad school or moving. "Shit, look, I'm sorry." I grabbed her hand and pulled her to a stop beside me. "I'm sorry I said anything. Can we just drop it for tonight? It's graduation."

"You're right." She took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her head against my chest. "Let's start over. Happy graduation." She kissed me, briefly, and then pulled away but kept my hand as she continued walking. "Come on, I don't want to be late for pasta carbonara."

We were almost silent on the drive to the restaurant, but I supposed that was my fault again. It had started at the beginning of April, when I'd settled on the decision to go to Johns Hopkins. When the top medical school in the United States wants you, it's tough to say no. It was a difficult decision, but with my family's and Bella's encouragement, I decided it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Looking back on that night, it was hard to see how Bella and I could have ended up so far from that excitement. I had expected that she'd be open to moving to Maryland with me, and she'd expected that I'd be fine with having a long-distance relationship, at least until she graduated next year. We'd been fighting off and on ever since. I glanced across the car at Bella, who was staring out the passenger window into the night, where it had begun to rain.

I thought it would be best for Bella to move with me. I didn't want to leave her here; I couldn't stand the thought of being without her. I'd applied at University of Maryland for her, where they had great English and Literature departments, so she could finish up the last year of her degree in Baltimore. I'd gotten the acceptance letter about a month ago, and we'd had our biggest fight yet on the night I showed it to her. She'd said I had no right, said I was being ignorant, and I'd called her selfish. We didn't talk for three days after that, which was the longest we'd ever gone without speaking.

I was due to start school at the beginning of September, so we had until then to figure things out. We'd planned a two-week trip to London starting in two days, and I just hoped we could put aside our differences long enough to enjoy ourselves. I was still hoping I'd be able to convince Bella to see my side of things and get her to move with me.

We smiled our way through dinner with everyone, losing ourselves in good food and good company. I remembered a similar dinner three years ago, on the night after the first day of classes at UW when Alice and I were freshmen and Emmett was a sophomore. It had just been the three of us, my parents, and Bella. Looking around the table now, I watched as Jasper regaled my father with stories of his case studies, while Rosalie was chatting excitedly with Alice about the shopping in Vegas. I was glad both my siblings had found people they could be with. I recalled all their jokes throughout the years about me and Bella, remarking on how we acted like an 80-year-old married couple.

I glanced across the table at Bella, who saw me looking and raised her wine glass to me in a silent toast, winking. I smiled and toasted back before draining my glass. If any of the rest of them could make it, then certainly Bella and I should be able to. …Right?

After a blur of appetizers, entrees, desserts, and five whole bottles of wine, I found myself thanking Jasper as he dropped us off at Bella and Alice's house. Alice tossed me my keys after locking my Volvo, which she'd driven home from the restaurant for me. Of course in my drunken state I couldn't be expected to catch them, and I held on to Bella's arm to steady her as she reached to pick them up off the ground. We stumbled our way to the front door while Jasper and Alice drove away, and Bella fumbled with getting the key in the lock and opening the door.

I made my way inside and groped the wall trying to find the light switch. My knees hit a table and a cascade of books fell to the floor. "Sorry," I muttered while Bella giggled. The books I'd knocked over were all of her research for our London trip, complete with hundreds of sticky notes marking important pages.

Bella was pulling on my hand and trying to drag me up the stairs to her bedroom but I pulled back, causing her to stumble against my chest, which elicited more giggles. I kissed her firmly and somewhat sloppily but effectively turned her giggles into moans. I continued to kiss her, allowing myself ample time to appreciate her familiar embrace. Her arms went around my neck as she pulled me closer and I held her tight, never wanting to let go.

"Are you excited?"

"Mmmm," she mumbled an affirmative while molding herself even closer to my body and rocking her pelvis against mine.

"Not for that," I chuckled. "For London."

"That too," she agreed, looking up at me with a radiant smile. My chest tightened as sudden fear struck me. I couldn't stand the thought of being apart from her.

Bella didn't notice my sudden mood shift and was resuming her efforts to haul me upstairs. I followed compliantly, still wrapped up in my thoughts. We both stumbled along the way and made use of the stair rail but eventually made it to our destination. I didn't want to take my hands off of her. In my drunken haze, I had the impression that as long as I was touching her, everything would be ok.

I responded eagerly as Bella kissed me passionately once more. My hand on her hip helped steady her when she would have lost her balance and I used my other hand to grab her hair and pull her to me. She fumbled with my pants but managed to get them unzipped. Removing them was a task that required my full attention, and while I stumbled out of my jeans Bella scrabbled to get her shirt off.

Once she'd effectively freed her arms from the offending garment, she collapsed onto the bed and I followed. Her eyes were closed almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

I pulled her flush against me and wrapped my arm around her securely. "I never want to let go."

I wasn't fully aware I'd said that aloud until she responded sleepily. "Then don't."

"You're making me," I mumbled, confused.

"No I'm not, Edward. You're doing that."

I blamed my blood-alcohol level for my inability to figure out what she meant. I said nothing. The tightness in my chest was still there, and I squeezed her tighter as I closed my eyes. I was drifting halfway between sleep and consciousness when Bella's voice dragged me back.

"Please don't leave me."

"I have to."

"I know you have to leave, just please don't _leave _me."

"I love you. I'd never leave you like that."

I thought she'd fallen asleep before she whispered again. "Do you promise?"

"I promise."


End file.
